Written by matwil

Saturday, 30 January 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for 'Gone With The Windbag', starring Clark Cheney and Scarlett Obama opens today in a cinemas near you
'Quite frankly, USA, nobody gives a damn about you. Now grow up!'

'Gone With The Windbag' opened today in America, and critics instantly hailed it as a classic. 'It's a classic', said Jim Jimbob the Fourtieth, 'lotsa classic twists and very unusual twists, man.' And another critic - Billary Shrillery - also said 'It's a classical classic.'

'It's the movie we've all been waiting for ever since the 40somethingth President of the USA shagged his intern while I shagged every Senator I could just to get to the position I am in today. Which is being an idiot travellin' round the world and pulling faces, which kinda sums up the all-powerful and not ridiculous United States of America.'

The film basically describes the conflicts in the early 21st Century between idiots with no brains that believe everything they're told - American voters - and idiots that believe they're tough because they have guns - the other Americans - and soon the lack of action gets going between Cheney and Obama as the two meet behind closed doors in Jerusalem, Nabraska.

'You do all the windbag speeches', Cheney says to Obama, 'and I'll do all the mass-murdering war crimes.' 'Ain't there anything else I can do, sir?', Obama asks Cheney. 'Let's see ... yeah, you can dress up as a poh' repressed freed slave that cares about people to con gullible Americans into supportin' you', Cheney replies, signing another two chemical weapons contracts with Israel and Iraq, 'them Yankees will never notice you're just a token.'

'But', says Obama, 'what about freeing concentration camp detainees in Guantanomo, ending colonial wars in the MidWest, stopping sending out brave boys to die in pointless wars and not burning down whole cities which will mean that for hundreds of years later the people there will still violently hate us?'

'Quite frankly, my token, you're an American moron and the world doesn't give a damn!', and Cheney left as American freedoms were set on fire by his soldiers, American soldiers were sent to carry on dying in pointless wars, and the last chance of Americans ever having any brains died with the Confederacy.

So now the Yankee USA is a nation of racism and child gun massacres, of paranoia and of failure, of no education and of insecurity and of believing 9/11 wasn't an inside job - in other words the USA is a worldwide joke all thanks to people like Abraham Lincoln and now Scarlette Obama.

'Well, look on the bright side', Scarlette Obama said, 'at least it gives waffling token jokes like me a chance to actually be something more than just being token hothoused embarrassing kids. And just as soon as I achieve something more than that I'll achieve just that objective, an objective that I think we can say is -'

The USA can be parodied in three minutes by any intelligent human being outside of America. Its elections are decided either by three-word catchphrases or rigged voting machines, their Presidents are like sheep being led by the Old World into more and more pointless wars to make that Old World richer, and yet Americans still haven't spotted that their country is about as important as Sierra Leone or Bosnia is on this planet.

'It's OK', laughed Clark Cheney from his cellar full of Confederacy banknotes, 'I've got all them Yankess brainwashed into believing they're important by bribing 'em to force their schoolchildren to salute their flag every day, and their teachers filling their heads with nonsense about being 'mighty' and other such baloney when America can't even take on Vietnam and certainly not tiny Israel.'

'As for Iraq ... ha ha ha ha ha!' 'But doesn't that mean that America is just a land full of bullshitting cowards that believe their own horseshit cowboy movies, and are just 250 million children that don't even know what time of day it is?', Obama tearfully asked Cheney, patting her eyes with an animal-human marriage certificate

'You're a-sayin' what a child knows outside of America', replied Cheney, and this article ended like a day in The White House - long-windedly, pointlessly, irrelevantly and boringly. And Viviennely. The Union forces were to go on and win the Civil War but that meant that the USA would become a feeble country full of tokens and 'equal rights' and children being able to buy machine-guns outside of their schools.

English film critic Barry Norman said about the blockbuster: 'It's shit.' French critic Nick de Greeky said 'Another feeble American movie copying us'. Russian film director Vladimir Putin said 'Who cares what Americans do?', and the Chinese one, 'Big Bad' Qommi, added: 'Yawn.' But of course the film - despite being baloney on an awesome scale that not even babies outside of America would take seriously - will gross $332 million on its first day of release in America.

The USA, 250 million children with no brains, purpose or achievements, and not even the ability to change their country from being the world's joke into something better, preferring to sit and cry about the rest of the world poking fun at it. Oh well, at least Americans know how to satirise themselves. Oops.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more