Obama Endorses Prison Reform

Written by Will Petrone

Saturday, 30 January 2010

image for Obama Endorses Prison Reform
Local Police eager to try the new Prison Reforms

President Obama has agreed to, further study, of a potential prison reform idea. John Q. Wyattly, Commissioner of the Federal Prison Reform committee made the proposal to the President early this morning.

The controversial reform would not only let convicted Felons out of prison, but would pay for their living expenses and a college degree.

Mr Wyattly, defending his reform, stated that, "We are going to spend the money, keeping them incarcerated anyways, so let's spend the money moving toward a positive goal". He went to say that, "Not all inmates would be eligible for this program. Certainly not violent repeat offenders, at least not until the program shows a high percentage of success.

It is true that a lack of education or opportunities to thrive in our communities sets up low income citizens with the potential to live most of their lives behind bars. How do we break that trend? How do we educate Felons returning to our Society. It would seem that we want them to be contributing members of our Society, but it does not seem likely that the average taxpayer would want to spend money on an Ex-convict after they get out. They have already paid in excess of $55,000.00 a year to keep them locked up. So, while they are still serving the last four years of their sentence let's get them educated and prepare them for a job and a place in our Society.

"An outrage". Declares Senator Bill McAllroit (D) from Utah. "What is to keep these convicts from taking advantage of this latest handout". "How can we even be sure that Prisoners want to be a part of our Society".

Mr. Wyattly states that, "It is a volunteer program and anyone that enters the program would be highly motivated because of the parameters place on the participants".

Each Volunteer would be required to wear a house arrest collar, armed with a GPS, a Taser-like device, and a lethal dose of Sodium Pentythol. Volunteers would be given an allowance to find a place to stay and to sign up and start school. Any crimes committed during this educational probationary period or any violation of their agreement including getting anything lower than a C- on there report card would result in a lethal dose of Sodium Pentythol.

"There has to be sufficient motivation", states Mr. Wyattly, "and I think instantaneous death is not too much to ask. The taxpayer is taking a serious risk and must be compensated. I think it is a Win-Win for everyone concerned".

The Constitutionality of this proposal still needs to be vetted, but Bob Andreluski, of the ACLU, states, "We want the rights of every individual protected, but if they agree to the terms and they know the consequences, I think there is high percentage for success. He goes on to say that, "There is really no down side to this program. There is an immediate release from the overcrowding in the prison population and if there is a high failure rate for the inmates then that would make room for new volunteers to this innovative reform".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more