Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

image for The Lord of the Things Part 2

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Gwarthar awoke in a prison cell. It was small and stank. He reached for the mighty Sword of Zoj but someone had taken it from him. He still had his clothes upon him, and the Ring of Zodnoj.

Did I tell you of the Ring of Zodnoj? Really, I didn't? Oh, it must have slipped my mind. For really the Ring of Zodnoj is the whole purpose of this adventure, as we shall see. How forgetful of me not to have mentioned it. Imagine that, writing a whole book about a magic ring and then not mentioning how important it is until the next part of the book comes out!

The Ring of Zodnoj was truly a mighty Ring, tight and slippery on the inside. Many a jewellery-loving man would have liked to have slipped his fingers into that ringpiece. Its true power was... well, let's get back to the story.

After a few hours, a guard opened his cell door and led him to another room where a man sat, frowning.

"Hello, I'm David. I'm your lawyer," said the man, as the guard left.

"Greetings, David of Loire. I am Gwarthar, Thrang of Prabbab, who has slain the two-headed Urkurog of Fnarwong, found the mighty three-edged Sword of Zoj and regained the golden treasure of Akebor."

"Ok. Actually, it's because of the slaying that you are here."

"What? Does Judd wish to seek revenge because I slew that... monster?"

"It wasn't a monster, it was a pair of Siamese twins."

"It had two heads!! From Siam you say? I have not heard of that kingdom, perhaps they were spies."

"You've been accused of some very serious crimes."

"Well then, David of Loire, I suggest we hasten out of here before we are caught."

"No, you're not allowed..." but before he could finish, Gwarthar had forced open the window, jumped the 10ft drop (3 metres in metric) and was running away as quickly as he could.

He found himself round the back of the prison building, and a short gateway led outside. He ran out, then continued through the streets of the town, not recognising which part of town he was in. He didn't stop for quite a while, until he thought it was far enough that he was safe.

Suddenly there was the great roar of a crowd ahead of him, and Gwarthar noticed a large palace standing there. Its roof was very high, but rounded instead of turreted. Gwarthar became wary. The streets were getting busier. Many of the crowd held blue and white scarves and were chanting "Meo-woh! Meo-woh!".

"Curses!" thought Gwarthar to himself. "I have wandered into the sector of the city where the Meo-woh live. Tales of their depravity and cannibalism are notorious."

He saw an old man walking by, and his eyes lit up. "Aha! Old man, you have found the Sword of Zoj. Thank you for returning it to me." He took the Sword and the old man lost his balance, collapsing to his knees. "You do not need to kneel, kind peasant. I am not King yet."

The Meo-woh hordes were everywhere, but Gwarthar felt safer with the Sword of Zoj. One of the Meo-woh shouted at him, "Oi, nice hat!"

"Why thank you for the compliment!" Gwarther replied graciously. "It is the Hood of Neerok, which I purchased at the market of the Gap."

The Meo-woh laughed at him. "You wanker! Are you QPR or somefink?"

"Foul hordes," cried Gwarthar, dismayed at this insult. "I shall smite you all." And he struck his taunter with the mighty Sword of Zoj.

A crowd of Meo-woh surrounded him and attacked him back. Gwarthar fought bravely, but he was terribly outnumbered, and soon he fell to the ground. The Sword of Zoj was taken from him, and many boots kicked him. He thought he might be killed, but the Meo-woh stepped back when a group of uniformed men appeared.

"Bah, Judd's minions. Can you not leave me alone? How did they know I was here?"

Before long, Gwarthar was back in the prison, in the same cell he had been in earlier.

After a while, David of Loire came to see him again.

"David, how do these people know where I am all the time? It's as if they have some magic ability to know where I am. Or perhaps there is something that I have which calls them to me."

He looked down at himself, and saw his finger. "Of course, it is the ring! The Ring of Zodnoq! It must be drawing them! But what can I do? I cannot give this ring to another, for then they would be harassed by Judd's minions instead. No, I must seek out to destroy the Ring, so that none can be troubled by its evil any longer."

"Gwarthar," said David. "I think I'm going to have you plead guilty by insanity."

Read the next thrilling instalment

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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