It's midnight, and wolves can be heard howling during a full moon. With a window open, the strong scent of lavender can be detected in the home of Robert Darwin's family. Mrs. Darwin is ready to give birth, and she's in labor pains. They have deci…
The best version: Once upon a time there was a mother pig who had three little pigs named Corn, Biscuit and Doughnut. Her husband was a vagrant who would listen to pop music all day and who failed school. One day she said to them, "It's time…
For a brief few seconds right after I made her acquaintance, I felt sorry for The Thing. She was a slimy, sordid, scabrous mass of anti-femininity, looking to be more of the species of giant lethal reptile - akin to a Gila monster, or perhaps, some ultra-hairy, horrid-looking, primitive primate - than a female, homo-sapient ape. The Thing moved on me rather slowly and before I knew it, she had...
The warm rays of the sun pleasantly woke the two. Eve had rested well, her mind in a state of exhilaration with her discovery of the "headache powder" power over Adam she could exercise at will. Adam, on the other hand, did not sleep well due to this same power. Eve looked forward to the adventures the day would bring, while Adam looked forward to the adventures the night might bring. Eve suggeste...
Calvin's blubber hung out all over the place, making for the appearance of a very large jellyfish caught up in the steaming hot jets of white water. He looked like big bubba brother sunk inside a pool of little bubble brothers. Pale as foamy water, suds rose in popping platoons around him. It was a wretched, ridiculous sight. "The water's hot," Calvin C. Clean complained. "I get paid t...
"My name is Dr. Maas. For many years I accompanied my detective friend, Mucus Stools on his adventures. I remember the Mulch Family Caper well. My friend was visiting me in my flat on Boulevard Street when I heard the telephone ring over Stools playing his spoons and huffing airplane glue. "Hello, this is Dr. Maas." "Eating your dinner, Dr. Maas?" "No, that is my friend Spoons playing...
The meanest malcontent neighbor I know just adopted a grizzly bear club, a bengal tiger cub, and three baby alligators. He lives two doors down from me in a one-bedroom apartment and drinks a case of Red, White & Blue beer every day. As mean and savage as they come, these nasty wild animals seem to be a good fit for him, but not such a good combination of pets for our apartment complex. All...
The Epic of Gilgamesh is a long, boring, heroic poem by Gil Gamesh, a Babylonian who plagiarized the story from ancient Sumerian sources and claimed that the events of the poem, outlandish though they are, actually happened to him. One of the poem's key episodes in the flood, which, when it is written about in the Bible, is known as the Biblical flood, but, in Gilgamesh, is referred to as The Delu...
The traffic down the so-called expressway was clogged. It lasted several minutes before got moving. When my car reached the congested spot, I saw a very conspicuous Porsche Panamera with a piece of worn-out-torn-out jacket stuck under the left front wheel. A few yards behind the car, there lay a corps, covered with dried-up streaks of blood. Skin color, due to loss of blood and time of death, in t...
The gears of their well-worn Chinese-made Schwinns were grinding as Dante and his kid sister Uma rounded a steep curve on a wilderness trail in the Black Hills. A gap in the forest foliage gave them a direct view of the mountain known as Rushmore, and they squeezed their handbrakes and came to an abrupt stop, as if the awesome sight before them was the visual equivalent of a roadblock. "Wow,"...
Ginger Vitus rode high in the saddle on his worn out donkey. The poor beast had seen better days, like the retirement home he was in before being rustled by Ginger. The pair made their way along the dusty trail toward the town of Calcium, a violent whiskey soaked community on the border of San Antonio and Mexico. A few miles from the destination, Ginger halted. "There must be somewhere to...
Inspector Corner, Detective Pong, Sergeant Hump and Constable Hall had all journeyed from Scotland Yard in the special Ford Anglia overhead camshaft pursuit vehicle, in response to a call from Sussex Constabulary about an exploding butler. The Ford Anglia had a synchromesh gearbox and vacuum-powered windscreen wipers and it was a remarkable vehicle. It inspired many remarks, especially when peo...
After 5 consecutive days, I learned my girlfriend was about to leave the hospital, so the account had to be settled. During these days, a friend, feeling sorry for me said, 'You must be an idiot to pay the cost of the operation. Silly boy, a crime has been committed, and the criminal has left the scene, and there is no law to protect us, citizens. Why should you pay the cost?' I was baffled. H...
Some phone calls are disturbing. We say hello and wait for the coin to drop. 'Is this XYZ?' 'Yes!' 'Your girlfriend's not feeling well. Could you come over? Who am I? I'm a Samaritan. Who? Forget it. I'm a passerby. I simply wanna help the woman. Excuse me. What's my name? I see. What's her name? OK. She says Maria. Maria Smith wants to talk to you. Hold on.' 'Hello? Maria. What's goi...
Mr Arm, stood behind the worn out oak counter, looking through the previous days receipts. Monday had been busy, as usual, and still some weekly accounts had not been settled. no need to panic, Rothchilds always paid its bill. Arm closed the receipt book, and began dusting the counter in readiness for opening time. Eight o'clock, sharp. In the forty years, they had been in the city, the shop ha...
Update - The story so far... The Spiffing Six (Of whom there are four, and a somewhat priapic dog,) have arrived at Aunt Peg's cottage at Puddleby Cove, and have encountered a mysterious figure, flitting about amongst the rocks in the cove, in a highly suspicious manner. The Spiffing Six attempted to pursue the suspicious character, but - hampered by overindulgence in food, Headbanger beer, and a...
Jean and I had been out three times in the last couple of weeks after chatting on the phone and by e-mail for a bit. I had answered her ad in the newspaper's dating section, and we seemed to get on pretty well. It was at our last date that Jean said she thought we should 'take things to the next level' when we got together next. To be honest, I was quite happy keeping things platonic - I hadn't...
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