Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Monday, 4 January 2010

image for The Lord of the Things Part 1

Gwarthar was the Thrang of Prabbab, he had slain the two-headed Urkurog of Fnarwong, he had found the mighty three-edged Sword of Zoj and regained the golden treasure of Akebor (which was currently sitting safely in the bank vault of Hesbock). But all these previous adventures, of which I am sure you are familiar so I will not waste time repeating them here - all these adventures were nothing compared to the quest upon which he was about to embark.

It was a quest so dangerous and so exciting, that if he knew he were about to embark upon it, he would probably have died of shock, thereby rendering himself unable to complete it. But thankfully, dear reader (you don't mind me calling you dear do you? How about if I rest my hand on your knee as we talk? No? Ok, fair enough) - Gwarthar was completely unaware of what was about to happen, as no doubt are you, which is well because you might also have died of shock. Still, you didn't mind too much when I put my hand on your knee, so I'm sure you'll be ok.

It all started with a big bang. Gwarthar was sitting at home watching the magic box. It was showing some people redecorating a house to increase its value. Gwarthar looked over to the woman sleeping on his couch, reclining in what looked like a very uncomfortable position. She didn't make a sound. It was just as well because he couldn't remember her name.

The mighty three-edged Sword of Zoj was in its sheath around his waist. He was quite a paranoid person despite living in a relatively safe land, so he always carried his Sword with him. He also always pronounced the 'w' in Sword, to make it sound more important.

The big bang was the sound of fists upon his door. Gwarthar looked through his net curtains and saw two men dressed in strangely matching garb. Worried, he drew the mighty Sword of Zoj.

"Who goes there?" he called out.

"Police," was the reply.

Gwarthar thought for a minute then decided to run out of the back door. He was not a coward, or so he told himself. How could he be a coward, he had slain the two-headed Urkurog of Fnarwong, he had found the mighty three-edged Sword of Zoj and regained the golden treasure of Akebor.

As he ran down the back garden and into the road, he saw more and more men in the same strange uniform. There was no way out. Whoever these people were, he was surrounded.

"Curses! Judd must have sent more of his minions to thwart me," he said to himself. He sheathed the mighty Sword of Zoj and walked over to them.

"I am Gwarthar, Thrang of Prabbab, who has slain the two-headed Urkurog of Fnarwong, found the mighty three-edged Sword of Zoj and regained the golden treasure of Akebor," he spake. "But you have me surrounded. I surrender. Do what you will," he spake.

"You are under arrest, Sir," one of the people said, "for the murder of Billy and Bobby Jizzmop the Siamese twins, and for armed robbery of two tonnes of treacle."

"Also you are suspected of breaking into this house and knocking the owner unconscious with your walking stick. I'm afraid it's time for you to come back to the home."

Gwarthar was pushed into a horseless carriage amid a siren-like wail. The carriage drove off and Gwarthar pondered how he would escape the evil clutches of Judd's minions.

The Lord of the Things Part 2

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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