Obama makes speech from the Vatican

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 17 October 2009

[cue choir humming and church organ quietly playing]

'People, we are here, this is now, we have come to this holy place, this hallowed temple of Christianity, this sceptred isle of holy waffality in a sea of troubled people, troubled people I have turned my back on just as soon as I was elected. My voice beginning low then rising dramatically and self-importantly, then falling lower again insincerely. Let us now say this. In short sentences for children to follow, like American voters.

For too long we have used the 'royal we' in a deep voice that sounds plain camp to British ears, yes we have, yes, indeedy doody dah, we have. And for too long we have preached our message, a message of equality, of reform, of healthcare and of peace, and of arming genocidal Israelis to the teeth and mass-murdering people across the Middle East we don't like very much. And I think Your Holiness will know what I'm talking about here!

[laughter from the Pope and Cardinals in the audience]

But now we can say this. This - is - now!

[organ's volume increases, choir begins to sing a one-note backing 'Ahhhh ....']

We shall not back down - OK, we shall about troops in Iraq, heck, forgot to delete that one, OK. Ahem. Messianic voice, Messianic voice, right.

We shall not back down, we shall leave no stone unturned, in our making pauses, to sound dramatic, and to fill up my waffly sentences of no substance, we have and we will have, and, we, will have, had past future perfect subjunctives to guide us forward.

Our goal is to move forward, to change, to make the world a safer place. And to rid the world of tyrants and dictators, for that is our goal - though we armed all those tyrants and dictators in the first place, and just as soon as the checks clear it's off with their heads.

[strong white light begins to glow behind Obama, choir and organ volume increases]

So I say to you this. My autocue which - pause dramatically and look grave, insert subclause here - and there are many who disagree with me - has guided me through this difficult time of sounding and looking like a little boy playing at being President, shall not, will not, cannot be turned backward, nor forward, nor sideward, short loud catchphrase here!

I can't help noticing that the priests here are dressed in about the most colorful clothes I've ever seen, but the nuns are all dressed in black. Kind of the opposite of the churches in the Deep South, hahahaha! Why, men dressing like that there would be lynched!


Just a little 'shucks, man of the people though I'm a millionaire lawyer' humor there, to prove I'm a man of the people, and wouldn't be out of place working in what we can now say, in this time, is a steel works. Another catchphrase and raised voice!

[choir and organ louder than ever, white lights brighter, Obama raises hands]

We thought we were about to change the world, but we are really token nobodies, yes we are. We thought we could deliver policies to help the needy and right the wrongs of the past, but we are already just going on with the same policies. We thought that this dramatic voice would fool anyone over the age of 10 outside of America, and we found it didn't. Lower voice for quiet, intellectual-sounding, patronising explanation.

[choir and organ softens]

I know it's hard to accept change, change in healthcare, change in warfare, change in the great American people dieing in the Middle East for the British and the French and the Israelis, and I know that no other people in the world would believe I could make those changes. So let me say this - I won't make them!

[choir and organ rises to full volume, priests and nuns openly weeping and crossing themselves, though some are trying not to laugh]

Here in the Eternally Ridiculous City I am now at home! I have come full circle, from a radical reforming Senator to a token that does whatever Dick Cheney and the Israelis tell me to do, what a joke! A bit like His Holiness here, as the Church has come full circle over the centuries from preaching forgiveness and opposing violence, as Jesus taught, to preaching warfare and hatred, supporting the Nazis, and creating a worldwide web of child abuse. I am now home!

[cheers from the audience, a few 'Heils' also]

In three years' time I will have achieved nothing and changed nothing, in two years's time I will have achieved nothing and changed nothing, heck, I have already achieved nothing and changed nothing!

But when I am booted out of office I shall, and I will, come back to St. Adolf's here in Rome, for this is the home of the hypocrite, of the liar, and especially of the rich men who prey on the poor and the gullible. Until that day I will carry on preying on the poor and the gullible in America. Ich bin ein Token! I thank you.'

[choir and organ now deafening, Pope and Cardinals and nuns on their feet applauding, many giving Nazi salutes, cheers from millions of Israelis watching the speech on TV, cheers from arms manufacturers across the world, cheers from American Republicans.

Only silence from Palestinians, British, Europeans, Africans, reformers, peace campaigners, doctors, nurses, healthcare workers, Iraqi civilians, Afghan civilians, civilians in Latin American US-run regimes.

Sound of Abraham Lincoln turning in his grave heard all the way from Illinois. Where Barack Obama will be politically buried not long from now]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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