Written by matwil

Tuesday, 26 May 2009


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image for Adolf Hitler plans to crush TheSpoof.com
Fourth Reich'n'roll

In his Wolf's Lair headquarters in eastern Germany, the dictator and ruler of most of Europe and North Africa today met with his generals and aides, to plot the final destruction of TheSpoof.com.

'I have been patient', the Fuhrer said, 'I have allowed the liberal entertainer-lovers their time, I have let them openly write about Fraulein - or maybe Herr - Susan Boyle, I have tolerated TheSpoof.com's decadant, scandalous articles about body parts and masturbation.'

'I give them fair warning - I will now crush them in my fist, my iron hand will wipe the vermin from the world wide web - the verldvidevebschtissuntunalhoffenheimeralbeitunglschnortlehursten.'

'Pardon?', said Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler, who had come along for the free vegetarian buffet that Hitler had prepared, and taking a bite out of a raw potato, the dictator explained further.

'I will obliterate them and their Boyles and Goodys, their measurements of parts of the human body, their mind-numbing, endless adolescent hang-ups, in a wave of terror that would impress even the Spanish Inquisition!' 'I didn't expect that', Himmler muttered, but Hitler continued with his ranting, working himself up into another one of his famous rages.

'The fools think they can beat me, they think I am a barbarian, well, we National Socialists ARE barbarians, and vegetarians, and take that cigar outside, von Blomberg, you're stinking the place out.'

'And we are savages, and vandals, and Visigoths, and football hooligans, and not very nice people generally, that laugh at your grannies and occasionally blow raspberries at Communists. One hundred divisions of the Reichswehr, supported by the Luftwaffe, will launch a massive and devastating blitzkreig against TheSpoof.com, and soon it will be no more!'

'No longer will Germany be subjected to the humiliation of having to wade through page after page of scheisse about American nobodies that no-one outside of America has ever heard of, or of feeble manufactured celebrities, that people used to go online to try and avoid, dictated to us by the treacherous Unfunny Nerdheads.'

'The Reich will be purged once and for all of such parasites, and once more our glorious Empire, the Empire of Frederick the Great' - 'Friedrich', Himmler pointed out - 'shut it, shorty.'

'The Empire of FREDERICK the Great will once more be in its rightful position, as the mightiest and unintentionally funny nation in the world!', and his generals were visibly moved by such a superb speech, and one, General Jadus von Hofflesnoffleboyl-Zsushannes,

was moved to accidentally turn himself and 30 million Germans into mass-murdering, genocidal maniacs, but only after using a time machine to get 'orders' that meant that they had no choice but to attack TheSpoof.com, and machine-gun to death millions of its members, and gas the rest of them with all the methane produced about Susan Boyle and Jade Goody, before massacring whole towns of satirists and journalists in the Ukraine.

And as TheSpoof.com effectively ceased to exist, except for a few remnants under the grip of the Nazi Party, Adolf Hitler took to the stage in Nuremberg, in front of 400,000 of his fanatical supporters.

'People of Germany! We have ended the Red terror, the overuse of the same subjects time and time again, the rappers and the uninteresting crap of Ant and Bee, we have ended the decadant, back-stabbing Boyles and Goodys, and the hated Social Adolescents, with their treacherous talk and publications about breasts and other unmentionables, ahem.'

'Yes, once more the German people have conquered her enemies, and our heroic National Socialist stormtroopers can now set up the long-awaited Third Reich of Satire and Lampooning, the satirelampeinengheimschultzbayernmunchenzweilokomotivleipzignil!'

'Our glorious heritage of crushing the hated British politicians and American financiers, of crushing anyone and anything that deserves to be mocked is back, and of course so is crushing that fat, little toad Churchill to the ground, him and his 'Nasis' indeed!'

SEIG!' 'HEIL!' 'SEIG! 'HEIL!', and the Fuhrer left the stage to take Eva Braun out for a night of eating uncooked runner beans and drinking fresh rainwater, and her listening to his plans for attacking the mighty Soviet satirists of Krokodil.

'We must never again fight a war on two fronts', he told her, passing her another horse nut, 'once the feeble British and American writers are bowed beneath the National Socialist thingy, we must smash the Reds in the east.'

'Wave after wave of Harry Enfeldz, the Z.Z., shall turn the Soviet Union into our new front living room, are you with me, Schnagglefragglerocken?' 'Of course', Eva Braun replied, gazing adoringly into the menu which she wasn't allowed to eat anything from. 'Anything you say, mein Fuhrer.'

'Good, let us now go to the Sportsplatz, and watch Spoof writers being used as human fireworks.' 'Can't wait', his mistress said, 'sneaking a portion of bratwurst off a nearby table, and the Reich that would last for a thousand milliseconds was born.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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