Radio 5 Live's Alan Green The Rudest Man On Radio

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 26 April 2009

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What are you talking about?

Alan Green, the Radio 5 Live football commentator and 606 presenter, has been voted the rudest man on the airwaves.

Green frequently hosts the fans' phone-in show after games have finished, yet still hasn't learnt how to speak to people in a manner befitting a person who has been lucky enough to have landed a prize job at the BBC.

Alan conducts his show as if he, himself, is the central attraction - not football - and condescendingly cuts callers off in mid-flow, should he decide he has had enough of them.

He raises his voice to a higher pitch, so that the callers cannot be heard, and ends calls prematurely and abruptly when he gets fed up with, what he sees as, a lack of clarity, or reason, or sense, in what his callers are trying to say.

Mr Green also sees himself as something of a comedian, and never tires of cracking 'jokes' in his Duke of Edinburgh-style, and then chuckles at them - gloating.

Quite why the BBC employs this man to be rude to football fans who have telephoned his show at their own expense, is beyond me.

But Green's rudeness is not something new.

He is widely-known for his outspoken views which often place him in dispute with football clubs, figures and authorities. He has an ongoing "feud" with Manchester United boss, Sir Alex Ferguson, and the two have not spoken for years.

In February 2006, Green was banned from Bolton Wanderers' Reebok Stadium after accusing the team and its then-manager Sam Allardyce of playing "ugly" football, which he (Green) wouldn't pay to watch. Considering Mr Green doesn't have to pay to watch football, this comment seemed redundant.

In 2005, Green entered into a dispute with Everton fans, after an article he wrote for the Irish Examiner suggested club manager David Moyes should suppress, rather than encourage, the club's ambitions after 'overachieving' when finishing in 4th place the previous season. Green even received death threats over the article.

Ofcom censured Green in October 2004, after he made a comment deemed in breach of the regulator's Code on Standards live on-air about Manchester United's Cameroonian black midfielder Eric Djemba-Djemba, implying:

"he might be speaking pidgin English with the referee."

During a live broadcast, he had previously described Manchester City's Chinese defender Sun Jihai as wearing shirt number 17, adding:

"Number 17 -- that'll be the Chicken Chow Mein, then."

In January 2007, Green was again in hot water on Merseyside over comments made on 5 Live during the Everton v Reading match at Goodison Park. When film star Sylvester Stallone was paraded on the pitch, Green considered whether Stallone's limousine would still have wheels when he returned to it. This prompted an official complaint to the BBC by Liverpool City Council, who were upset about his stereotypical and unnecessarily-outspoken views about the city being a hotbed of car crime.

On tonight's show, Green ridiculed one caller who implied that Manchester United is too big a franchise to be prevented from winning the Premiership title again (in relation to a disputed penalty award), hurried another listener away when it became apparent that he might cry, and generally harried his way through an endless stream of calls whose contributors rarely got chance to say even half of what they intended.

He really is an nonsensical, outspoken, racist and condescending man, and now, I, Monkey Woods, have voted him the Rudest Man On Radio.

Come and get your prize, Alan.

Note: If anyone from the BBC is reading this article, please address the ongoing problem of Alan Green. Although this is a spoof article, the sentiments expressed are real and genuine. I feel that 606 would function far better, if Mr Green were to be advised about the rights of contributors to the show to have their views broadcast, and not just his. The show is advertised as fan-led, but, on the occasions he presents it, 606 might as well be presented as Alan Green's Monologue.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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