How talented Europeans are taking our jobs and ruining our England

Funny story written by JamesSheard1984

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

"I had a good job in the North East, got the management promotion I'd always dreamed about but before I knew it I was out on my ear"

Steve's story is one that is being told throughout the UK.

Before being made redundant last year McHeron (check with Steve McClaren's agent if name change is ok - Editor) had worked for two years for profit making body the Football Association.

He knows who he blames.

"I'm no racist but recent global pressures have been unfair on England in so many ways, take the Eastern Europeans, it was fine when they used to just turn up and get beat but with the pressures of a competitive international environment they've started had to actually win games, I mean it's just not cricket, because it's obviously football and it's fair to say I'm worried about the direction English football might now go"

Steve is right to be concerned.

Since he left his job not only has a global recession taking effect, but England have won an unprecedented five out of five qualifying matches. This has left many fans experience concerning feelings of affection towards the team, crumbling away the worry and cynicism that have made supporting England such a consuming passion for the last forty years.

Sarah from London (who we interviewed so we didn't get any backlash from all those women who pretend to be real fans) said "I used to lie in bed thinking about whether our 'left-sided problem would ever be solved, now Fabio has come in and solved bloody everything, instead of worrying about that I've been forced to talk to my husband and I have recently discovered to my horror that he is the Prime Minister".

Simon (bit 'girly' for a football fan name? Editor) from generic Northern town wept "I used to think my grandmother could do a better job than the England manager but since this cocky Italian started winning games it's really put a dent in her potential employability".

It's not just been fans who've faced problems, this disastrous upturn in fortune hit many newspapers who already struggling in a difficult economic climate have had to lay off their entire 'Sack the England manager, shot the FA and burn all the players' department.

It's a sorry story in many news rooms now as headlines are left strewn on the cutting room floors. Never again it seems will good patriotic phrases like "England losers fail again", "Get rid of the useless vegetable face" and "Why Ashley Cole's brand new Bentley obsession stole Christmas" be used on the back pages.

And what of the man who has replaced him?

Whilst we British have nothing against a country we beat by an innings in World War Two it must be noted that Italians have very different ideas about the game we invented.

Penalty shoot-out for example are not treated as a victory for the opposition but as a contest between equals. Friendly matches are opportunities to play football rather than complain about there being too many friendlies. Whilst World Cups are seen as events at which success is treated as something to spur a side one with, rather than weigh it down.

England fan and closest European Matt 'Bulldog' Montepierre has spotted another problem. He added on his blog, "I apprishiate that Fabio has done well BT!!!!!! herd him on tha radio and cud undastand EVERYTHING" he continued "shorely he's learnt that footballers and football managers neva make sense!!!!"

It indeed seems Capello has rather misunderstand his brief with learning the English language.

Whilst he should have been reading up on his clich├ęs and key words like disappointment and damaged metatarsal, he has instead been studying Chaucer, Shakespeare and the last fourteen editions of the Oxford English dictionary.

The consequences of this intellectualism being at the centre of the English game could have disastrous results.

Do we really want a world where Wayne Rooney attends Operettas? Where a generation of young footballers are inspired to do nothing but sit for three hours listening to fat people shout at one another? Whilst other English footballers will soon be quoting Wordsworth, Byron, Motion and other dead poets (Motion alive surely? Editor).

We can only hope Fabio goes no further on this route and instead prevents football from entering the academic world in which it has no place.

And it's not only England's fans who feel short changed by Capello's infuriating ability to combine being European with ability and eloquence, he has stolen considerably from one of football's newest and fastest growing commercial markets.

The Summer of 2008 was great for the commercial magazine industry, with England out of European Championship. The footballers could concentrate on the important aspects of their career, their celebrity status, column inches and selling their wedding photos to the highest bidder.

Now though they can hardly get through to the England players for all the damn football they're playing. England may be riding high in their World Cup qualifying group but by a much more significant ranking their stock is clearly moving in the opposite direction.

The Well known magazine Hot's editor Samantha Pouts had this to say "It was a hard decision to make but we've had to move England footballers out of the 'great' section of our 'hate or great' feature and replace them with BBC's economic Adonis Robert Peston".

Capello must recognise that he is dealing with a sacred entity. By creating a successful England team interested only in playing football he is tearing at the very fabric of our nation, he is talking a pint of warm bitter and replacing it with a spaghetti carbonara with free garlic bread. And unless it's accompanied by a nice glass of Sardinian Red I for one am not going to swallow it.

On Wednesday England lost two nil to Spain, giving some hope that failure may still be a possibility. One slightly dodgy friendly performance against the European Champions is not going to stop this winning rot though. England must achieve a mediocre result in their next qualifier against the Ukraine in April or face a worrying future.

Otherwise a considered intellectual approach based on 'on the pitch' appearances might permanently replace the celebrity focused, chaotic and lurching roller-coaster that following England has been for as long as we can all remember.

Headers will be put above headlines, appearances on the pitch ahead of appearances in print and results above rankings in celebrity magazine.

One man alone can prevent this terrifying future. And so I ask you Mr Capello, do you really think a successful World Cup is worth the destruction of a nation's psyche?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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