BEVERLY HILLS, California - The Exxon-Mobil Corporation has just announced that its 2008 profits of $45.2 billion have broken the all-time world's record (again!).
CEO Grover Aronofsky-Oliveback stated that his company made a damn good profit, but he was quick to point out that Exxon-Mobil's expenses have also gone up.
When asked by a reporter from The Beverly Hills Ritzy Review, to elaborate, Aronofsky-Oliveback replied, "Exxon-Mobil is having to pay a higher price for office supplies such as pencils, paper clips, and staples."
He added that just within the past three months the price of staples has gone up 2 percent.
When told that his company was making close to $124 million a day, he got defensive and asked, "And your point is what?"
The reporter answered that his point was that every day the U.S. unemployment numbers go up, people are losing their automobiles and their homes. And how in the world can he justify the fact that his company is making profits of over $5 million per hour!
Aronofsky-Oliveback smiled and said that he clearly understands all about the economic crisis and how it is affecting everyone.
He remarked that just last week, one of his office managers had to sell one of his Rolls Royce's in order to make the payment on his Lear Jet.
And the company custodian who empties his office trash can has had to put off buying that $1.3 million dollar condominium in Hawaii, that he had promised his grandmother.
"Everyone is having to sacrifice." he said as he puffed on his Cuban cigar. "But let me say this. Exxon-Mobil is currently in negotiations to buy Europe. All of Europe."
Aronofsky-Oliveback said that when they do, they will be able to move their entire corporate operations overseas.
And because of the cheaper labor, lower corporate taxes, and lower price for staples, Exxon-Mobil will be able to then lower the prices at the gas pumps.
He interjected that his company is dedicated to the American people. And all he asks is that everyone from Maine to California and North Dakota to South Dakota just be patient.
He said, that we should all be thankful that we're not Eskimos because up there where they live gasoline is selling for $43.79 a gallon.
Aronofsky-Oliveback closed by saying that he wants for the American gasoline consumer to just keep buying Exxon-Mobil gasoline instead of Texaco-Chevron, Conoco-Phillips, or Shell.
He said that way Exxon-Mobil will be able to pay for Europe in cash, instead of having to get a loan and then having to pay a ridiculous amount of interest, which of course would then be passed on to the consumer.