Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You'll realize by the middle of the coming week that skipping your medications was a bad idea. For one thing, the voice in your head is beginning to sound a lot less like the telephone sex lady and a lot more like Paul Harvey on speed.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although you've never been one to believe in evolution, that orangutan at the zoo would pass for you Uncle Floyd's brother.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your physician will become concerned this week when, after swallowing the little camera capsule, it shoots out your ass in thirty seconds flat.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Yes, everyone knows you're sort of an artist when it comes to doing presidential portraits but I don't think the FBI will accept the fact that you were merely testing the eyes of the local bank tellers.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You can't blame the kid when it was you who taught him a half-ass version of The Little Teapot Song while you were trying to watch the NBA game, especially him showing his classmates and teacher his "Little Spout" there at the end.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Admit it, you were only rubber-necking the night Mama Cass choked to death on that piece of meat. Telling the police that you were still hanging around until the fat lady sang was just a morbid excuse.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
While drinking isn't the answer to your life's problems, it certainly helps to pass the time pleasantly until you find out exactly what they are.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You're a lucky man that the police believed your story that the frozen guy in your freezer had previously been hiding in other areas of your house and scaring you, but screwed up this last time.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's not man's sense of self awareness or sense of humor that separates him from the animals. It's all those walls and bars.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEPT)
It certainly was one of life's strange coincidences that, just as the Titanic hit the iceberg, your Uncle being promoted to ship's captain.
Libra (23 SEPT-23 OCT)
There's a lot of ignorant, boring, butt-ugly people in this old world so, even at your stage of leprosy, you should be able to find someone in the personals.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Quit complaining so much. You may be an alcoholic bum but do you realize that you get to spend your summers out in the fresh air of the alley and winters in the dumpster, all for free?