Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you'll be sorry for laughing at those people who tried to warn you not to go to work for that chemical company, no matter how well they paid. Oh you can still laugh, but it'll be out of the other side of your face.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Even though the doctor's report on your feces specimen will turn your hair white, you can take comfort in the fact that it would have eventually done that anyway, had you lived to be over 55 years of age.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Despite the fact that you made a passing grade in history, that answer that "Sammy Davis Jr." gave the famous "I Have A Dream" speech will still get you laughed out of class.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Good to see that you still have your sense of humor. Now let's work on that sense of decency.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This could be a trying week for Aries. First, there's the DUI on Monday, the drugstore break-in on Wednesday and finally, the stolen police car episode on Friday.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Be sure to remember last year's lesson next month. Giving someone half of a box of Valentine Chocolates is worse than giving none.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
While playing a guitar under a beautiful girl's window can be a very romantic thing to do, the kazoo actually sounds more like you just left Taco Bell.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Although it's true that Eskimos have 50 different names for snow, they have over 200 names for the idiot who still believes that rubbing noses nonsense and it sounds like her dad knows all the best ones.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Yes, windmills could be the answer to our energy problems but if I were you, I'd throw away those you made with ice cream sticks at the rehab center.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEPT)
I don't know what you said or did to those silent monks on your retreat last week, but it's now closed and passers-by say they're still screaming their heads off.
Libra (23 SEPT-23 OCT)
I know you are an excellent bird watcher but be on your guard in the trees this week concerning the so-called "Whirly Bird".
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At least Big Louie had the class to tell his men to use brand name Hank Aaron Autographed Louisville Sluggers on those kneecaps but I guess that'll be of little comfort during the rest of your life in a wheel chair.
