Ask Jesus! Episode #01

Written by Jesus Budda

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

image for Ask Jesus! Episode #01
I'll listen to your problems...with someone else's ear

This is an occasional series of problems posed to renowned idiot, Jesus Budda. Armed only with a cheap tattered copy of a popular psychology manual and plenty of time to waste writing crap, Jesus will guide you through the trials and tribulations of life's up's and downs.

If you're not familiar with's 'characters', you probably wont have a clue what the hell this is all about.

Regular contributors posed the Following Questions. Their identities have been concealed to protect their privacy.

Dear Jesus,

I'm a hugely successful writer on the site. My stories always get thousands of hits and I'm usually at the top of the writers list. But lately I've begun to feel outside threats from other writers. On a number of occasions these 'hostiles' have even had the nerve to take the top spot. My top spot!

I've also begun to feel that writers are stealing my ideas and passing them off as their own. Bastards.

I secretly give my own stories 5 stars (well, everyone does) but then recently I've been sneaking links into forum topics to these stories which when clicked will automatically give me another 5 stars. Genius!

I do my best for my minions/subjects and participate openly on the forums - even tho it sickens me to have to listen to their nonsense drivel.

How can I keep out these barbarians and retain my rightful position as top dog/bitch?

PS: I own a 12-bore and keep it loaded by my side -s o your answer better be pretty darn good

Signed, Her Royal Highness.

Jesus Says: "Oh, dear. Sounds like a bad case of egotitis. I'm guessing you were a very spoilt child. You mustn't be so quick to rush to judge others and let the law take it's course and deal with any infringements you find.

You also must learn to accept failure. In fact, repeat after me: "I am a failure. I am no good". Chant this mantra for at least 6 months. Also I'd recommend some charitable work. A gift perhaps of ,say 900,000 points, to me".

Dear, Fecker

I'm a humble Irish priest from boggy I.R.A-land. I'm well liked - in certain circles - and unafraid to speak my mind. But my trouble is this: I cannot seem to write anything other than stories about my beloved green and brown island.

And I also leave massive gaps between sentences.

For no reason.

I watch in envy as others talk of famous celebrity folk and movie stars - whatever the hell that is.

I've only recently heard of a wondrous land called Merica from my magical goggle box.
A land where Irish people can become powerful and rule over all the peoples of the world. Clinton's, O'Bama's, Kennedy's, Reagan's - I knew their families well.

But I'm an innocent boy and a-feared of traveling further than the cursed field to find out more.

Help me JB. Help me to gain the knowledge I so desire so that I too can scale theSpoof ladder and bask in the glory that so many others have enjoyed.

Help me to write about things other than feckin' Ireland!


Signed, Fr. F, TOSOG

Jesus Says: "Dear, boy. There's nothing to worry about. You are serving your community well. You are doing a great service for the world. Educating masses of the stupidity, corruption and in-breeding of the Irish is something that you should be commended upon. The world is full of more than enough Paris Hilton's, Britney Spears and Ron Paul's to last a lifetime. Mocking the ignorant European country hick is where the future may well indeed lie."

Dear Jesus,

I am the owner of a website that promotes stupid talk and nonsense. Recently I've begun to question whether I should continue in this vein or sell out to the corporate giants that put food on my table.

At nite I sneak downstairs away from my beloved new wife (price $49.99) and start editing the newest batch of stories. Every time the same: targeted venom aimed at my corporate masters. I remove all 'offensive' references and replace them with product slogans praising Google, Johnson & Johnson, CocaCola, Microsoft, etc.

Some of the writers have started to notice my cheeky editing and I do not know how long I can hold out before a full-scale rebellion takes place.

What should I do, Jesus?!

Yours, Confused English Man

Jesus Says: "Money makes the world go 'round. Your website outlet, which so generously allows freedom of speech can, ironically, only exist after succumbing to sipping from the corporate teat.

Distract curious writers with pointless games. A "win points for the funniest caption" contest will keep them preoccupied while you can continue with your deeds.

The adding of corporate slogans is a little worrying, I must admit."

Dear Jesus Badger,

I cannot control myself. Everything I write is a pun or play on words. For instance if you said: "Have a nice day", and the weather were cold, I'd have to write back "Have an ice day". Do you see what I mean? I'm uncontrollable!

Even when I was a school kid I acted exactly the sameThere was this kid called Jimmy Ryan who used sit on the floor of the room because we didn't have enough chairs. The teacher would ask a question. And because Ryan was pretty smart he'd raise his chubby hand. The teacher would point to him and say: "You, Ryan, on the floor". Instinctively I would laff and say: "Urine on the floor". No one else 'got' it. The teacher said I was insane.
What should I do, Jesus. I trust your sound judgment.

Yours faithfully, JarJar

Jesus Says: " The fine art of wordplay can sometimes confuse those too stupid to understand, JarJar. But here on theSpoof, I'm sure there are much less stupid people. Possibly.
If you write it they will come. Or not.

As long as your references are not too 'obtuse' you should be fine. (I've always wanted to use the word 'obtuse' in a sentence!).

Smoke less crack and cancel your subscription to Dictionary Monthly."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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