Awl Tyte

Funny story written by walter

Saturday, 20 October 2007

Awl Tyte was an embodiment of Nature's parsimony, i.e. storing extra glucose in tissues, causing obesity, rather than excreting it as waste material. It took him 40 years to save his meager income as a mint house worker to come up with a little fortune.

During these 40 years, he remained bachelor, because he could not share his groceries with an outsider, a woman. However, remaining a bachelor forever was not a good option. Therefore, he rationalized: If there is no offspring, then my wealth goes to the government. Besides, there is likelihood that the woman may bring some dowry.

Anyway, he got married with a spinster, of course, with no marriage celebration. No one knows how much she put in except a time-worn car in which he was not willing to put a gallon of gas, because he used to go from place to place on foot; he never took a bus, let alone taxis or tubes; he just walked endlessly. Never mind his shoes, as he would personally repair his single pair of lifelong shoes. Naturally, he was religious, but in his own version.

He advocated charity, but not financial charity. He would boast of his once for all charity which was helping a blind cross a street. He strongly believed in Galen, the great physician of 200 B.C., Greece. Somehow he had picked up the idea that in wintertime one should breathe through the nose. Now, if you encountered him in the street, and could hardly identify him with his face wrapped up in a thick woolen scarf and a hand firmly shielding his nose and mouth, he would not remove his hand or open his mouth. He simply returned the greeting by nodding.

He happened to play tennis, of course, free of charge, in the courts of the company's facilities. When playing, he would never serve a ball; just waited and waited for his partner to serve. His partner never volunteered to play for scores, because Awl would either constantly cheat or falsify the scores.

When his two sons grew up, he would take them to the tennis court. For refreshment he would buy just one single bottle of coke, but his fatherly advice was: cold coke 'no good for your health; add some water to lukewarm it '. Of course, he had already collected an empty bottle to make the dilution feasible.

He didn't like getting grey when he turned fifty and beyond. He probably dyed his hair on a daily basis, a disgusting black raven, cascading down a wrinkly red face.

Once, he was walking in the field, when he saw a poult. He chased the bird for his meal, and the poult ran for its life. Awl did not give up hope, until he grabbed the bird by the tail. While holding tight to the tail of the struggling bird, Awl blindly fell into a deep ditch. The tailless poult flew away, with the tail feathers remaining in the in Awl's hand.

Awl could not get out of the ditch as he had broken his leg in three places: hips, knee and ankle. His screaming reached the ear of a passerby, who called 911. Medics prepared him to be taken to ER, while trying to remove the feathers as a probable source of contamination. It turned out impossible. A medic remarked, 'Need a hacksaw'. However, only after the injection of anesthesia, normally morphine to prevent shock, Awl Tyte let go of the feathers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more