A Call to Arms

Funny story written by Matt McClurg

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

image for A Call to Arms
The more trees we kill, the safer America will be

There has been a lot of talk lately about The Environment - that rapid poodle Al "Ring Master" Gore keeps dragging out onto stage like some rhesus monkey with a robot brain at a mad scientist's convention.

"Look at The Environment!" he yells, pushing that monstrosity into our faces. "Look at what we have done to it! It's diseased! It's horrible! Look how we scarred her face! What man is going to want her now, because I know I sure as hell don't!" And he keeps slinging it around by its leash, poking a probing finger into the bloody, scabbed over circuitry as that rhesus monkey with a robot brain vacates its bowels into a disposable diaper and cries.

The Environment

The Environment is the biggest threat to humanity's survival. Where do you think the brain-eating amoebas come from? Who creates hurricanes and earthquakes and seasonal affective disorder and birds that fly into the turbines of jet airplanes?

The Environment, that's who.

That's why we must kill it, before it kills us.

Just like any other enemy, we should send a message by starting to dump whatever The Environment's exports are into the gutters and sewers - like water and sunshine and fresh air. Then we promote our own inferior knock-offs of those goods, but we re-brand them with names like "Clear Bubbling Patriot Juice", "Liberty Light, Now With Less Cancer", and "Refreshing Freedom Breath." Then we set The Environment on fire with napalm and poison it. Later, we can dig through its ashes for anything valuable that we can sell on eBay.

The Environment is not our friend. The sooner people understand this, the better off we all will be.

More people should be speaking out against The Environment. We should be declaring war on The Environment! Forget Iraq or Darfur or Myanmar. How many people die each year from melanoma, or drowning, or hurricane-hurled coconuts to the head? Do you know the answer to the riddle "If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around, does it make a sound?" The answer is "Yes; it's the garbage popping sound of a person being crushed by a tree because the only time a tree falls in the forest is when The Environment is trying to kill someone." Why do you think we spend so much time cutting those trees down? It's to save lives, people!

The Environment is the real fiend

But I am saddened that sometimes nuclear waste and oil spills that make the Exxon Valdez look like a wet sneeze isn't enough; we need to make our "ecological disasters" more direct and personal because The Environment is slow-witted. It is stupid. Do you know that The Environment doesn't even have a brain? What kind of person doesn't have a brain? I know it's no one I would associate myself with. We should take a flag, paint a picture of The Environment on it, take a huge, steaming crap on it, light it on fire, and send it to The Environment's house.

Take that The Environment!

Then, maybe The Environment will get the message: "We don't want you anymore The Environment! You make us more uncomfortable than Arabs on planes! Go back to where you came from The Environment and leave America alone!"

And before you even ask, I'll tell you:

I'm all for putting The Environment on every No-Fly, No-Sail, No-Drive, No-Penske Truck Rental list, and every other list we can imagine. The Environment should be kept under lock and key at Guantanamo and be forced to watch while our soldiers burn the pages of "Silent Spring." We should build a fence to keep The Environment out of our country, because every time I turn around The Environment's population is growing; stealing the jobs of hardworking Americans like lumberjacks, coal miners, and toxic waste ditch diggers. We should plaster pictures of The Environment in every magazine, newspaper, post office, bus stop, and on every coffee sleeve so that every person in America knows what The Environment looks like and can sound a warning if they spot The Environment anywhere on American soil and within reach of any possible delivery system for deadly devices. Because every time The Environment gets near any vehicle that may require a license to operate, The Terrorists win.

The Environment and The Terrorist are on the same side. The have the same ultimate goal: to kill all Americans and/or Christians…whichever comes first.

God and countless corporations have personally tried to stop The Environment, but it is just too strong. Even though The Environment is a woman, they need our help.

The Environment is evil. If The Environment were ever to win the presidential election of any country - and you see the campaigns, you see how much face-time The Environment is getting - the outcome would be worse than the unnatural offspring of Hitler and Idi Amin. Because The Environment is a cold-blooded murderer.

If it weren't for The Environment, Amelia Earhart would still be alive today. Sure, she'd be over 100 years old spending most of her time in a hypobaric chamber and only wheeled out to make some gurgling, drool-riddled speech about how great it is to be a man dressed almost like a woman - but she'd be alive damnit. So would the Lindbergh baby.

And if it weren't for The Environment, Pompeii would still be a happening place.

I don't know about you, but I can't sleep at night knowing that The Environment is out there, free to do as it pleases. I know it's plotting. I know it's just a matter of time before we hear about some terrible carnage The Environment has unleashed.

We have to ask ourselves: when is enough, enough, or too much?

I want to be heard as I say it loud and clear, "I think The Environment should be killed. ANd it should be killed now."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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