Written by queen mudder

Saturday, 23 June 2007

image for Nazi movie will end Cruise's career
Valkyrie will draw heavily on fascist hystery

Hollywood - (Ass Mess): Tom Cruise has been warned that the $200 million he's borrowed from Merrill Lynch to make the Nazi movie "Valkyrie" for United Artists will end his career and personally bankrupt him.

But his Scientology pals have predicted the blockbuster will gross $500 million and that as executive producer his cut will exceed $125 million if DVD sales and merchandising projections materialise.

The movie is about a Nazi general who attempts to assassinate Hitler because of PR concerns that Hitler's given his Bush family relatives a bad name.

And it exonerates the 14 year old Pope Joseph ratzinger from any war crimes that he committed while in the Hitler Youth movement.

Cruise has told chums that he's found the 'magic formula' for movie success and that "Valkyrie" will flourish.

And his secret ingredient for stratospheric triumph?

Carice van Houten, a so-called "sizzling sexpot" who Merrill Lynch analysts have predicted will become 'more famous, more marketable' than Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears all rolled together.

Other actors on the payroll are said to be Tom Wilkinson, Kenneth Branagh, Patrick Wilson, Bill Nighy and Stephen Fry.

"With names like that and the blockbuster plot what the hell could ever go wrong?" Cruise said today.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Tom Cruise




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