Water Presents Danger to Small Children

Funny story written by Edward O'Neill

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

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I was walking through Leicester recently and happened upon a water fountain in a square near Granby Street and what a good job I did. A sign placed on the fountain rim read: Water Presents DANGER to small Children. The surrounding area was a scene of complete carnage- kids running around all over the shop with 90% burns on account of them having messed with a deadly nerve agent known as: 'water'.

Who knew about this? Did you? I didn't.

Water is dangerous! HOLY MOLY! Are you listening to me? This is some serious stuff right here. I was a child once and nobody told me about this. I'm pretty sure my parents had no idea that I was an ill- informed user either. I took my chances with this stuff on a daily basis as an infant; recklessly bathing, washing things and even drinking it. Personally, I consider myself an addict now -a life long one- though I am experimenting with alternatives. I only keep a small stock of powdered water at home for emergencies though I haven't worked out what you're supposed to add to return it to its traditional liquid form yet. Anyway, the trouble is that it's so damned difficult to wean yourself off the muck. My body is, approximately, a 67% composition of water (that figure is higher for women since they have bigger rears) and this planet is roughly two thirds water based (I know these facts to be true because we did about it in school). So, it's a losing battle if you ask me. Nobody has asked me yet but if they did that's what I say. Go ahead: ask me? Told you.

I digress, none of the above is important since I'm not a child and therefore can't include myself part of the plural 'children' that the notice, so specifically, refers to. So I'm okay. But loads of people are children. I mean loads. I've seen them and they're in danger at least that's what the sign says.

I stood at the fountain for a total of three minutes and twenty- eight seconds and no danger was presented to me (except that it was making me want to urinate- I sorted that later by going to Mc Donald's for a quick one- that's what everyone does when they're in town). So, I'm living proof that adults are not at risk. I have to admit it was quite a rush, though, standing there with all that water in front of me. I must have felt how that crocodile hunter did everyday- cheating death just for kicks.

Can you imagine how Oskar Shindler must have felt when he first saw, first- hand, lots of Jews being abused? Well, I can now. Standing there with a sea of children looking at me for aid it was difficult not to want to help. One small boy approached me and tugged at my coat. 'Excuse me Sir? have you got anything hot?'

'Quite how do you mean?' I countered wondering if the chap was cold, why this was relevant and why he had chosen me. Shuffling his feet on the ground and trying not to perspire and add to his peril he replied:

'You know... mmm? something hot to get this water off me.' As I opened my mouth to answer I noticed that some water had made a puddle on he victims palm. It had managed to coagulate in such a fashion as to spell out the word: CAPRICIOUS in faint blood red letters. I ran eventually ending up in the Shires shopping centre taking refuge in the driest shop I could find and tried to rid my mind of the water stigmata.

Listen to me water and listen up good: We don't want you around our children. We know of your methods. We know you can evaporate, form gaseous clouds and precipitate yourself in any location you choose. We know you respond well to gravity. We know your chemical compound contains two Hydrogen molecules and one Oxygen. We're getting wise to you. Do you know what I'm saying? We're not having it, okay?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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