Written by Clayman

Sunday, 26 February 2006

An ancient parchment, recently discovered near Nazareth has been condemned by church leaders as a hoax. Carbon dating proves the document to be approximately 2000 years old. If proved beyond a doubt to be genuine, the whole Christian religion faces ruin.

The document takes the form of a letter and although the signature (which has yet to be verified by experts) reads "Big J", some are quick to speculate that this in fact was Jesus' oft used moniker.

Our sources have managed to secure a copy of the document, which is reprinted in full below:

Dear Brian,

I cannot thank you enough for what you are about to do. All I can say to reassure you is that a place for you in paradise is guaranteed, your wife will be sorted, and your hamster, Biscuit, will never suffer again; although you of course, might.

My Dad's delusions have reached psychotic proportions and he won't rest until I'm dead. He's away on Thursay being fitted with an omnipresent update, so it's now or never.

Our plan is foolproof.

The equipment we discussed is all stowed away in the green sack under my bed, next to the stash of "Camel Nudity". There you will find, a spare outfit, the beard weaved by Mary Magdelene and the Just For Men (used Buttercup Grove as Autumn Wonder is just too dark!)

Your transformation must take place between 6pm & 7pm on the night of the big semi-final (Jerusalem vs Nazareth). By kick off you must be watching from the Gethsemane Balcony.

As regards my previously discussed betrayer, I can now reveal his identity. Having borrowed Mary's scarlet frock and scarf, I was able to drop in on Judas, whom I have long suspected of collaboration with the enemy. I know Mary says she finds him a mouthful but it's amazing what a man will divulge given the right persuasion.

Judas will appear on the balcony at half-time. You must not make any attempt to run. It's too late to turn back now.

Remember, Brian, your wife and your hamster will be safe. I feel this small favour is enough to repay your debt to me for curing your ingrowing toe nail. Anyway, I've heard crucifixion's a doddle. Just hope for fine weather.

I have to leave now, the camel train for Barbados is on its last call.

All the best. I'll be watching.

Big J

The final verification of the document will be screened live as a Pay Per View event on Sky Christian on Easter Sunday at 2pm.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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