Bush Blames Nation's Problems on Justice League; Calls on Marvel Superheroes to Fill Void

Funny story written by Chris Ebert

Friday, 25 November 2005

image for Bush Blames Nation's Problems on Justice League; Calls on Marvel Superheroes to Fill Void
A tired and confused President lashes out at 'The World's Finest'

SARASOTA, FLORIDA - During a post Thanksgiving address to the Sarasota Christian Ladies' Rotary Club, President Bush placed blame for many of the issues which critics have accused his Administration of causing or mishandling squarely on the shoulders of Batman, Superman, and the rest of the Justice League.

"America is a great nation. Many of my detractors say we have problems. And it may surprise you to hear me say they're right. But all the issues facing us from Bird Flu to the insurgency in Iraq, from terrorism to global warming, can't be blamed on my cabinet. They can't be blamed on our troops, or the Pentagon, even on large corporations. I will say what we have all been thinking. Where is the Justice League in all this? And the answer is… well… some other place… than… uh... than where the problems are…".

"The horrible events of 9/11 could clearly have been stopped by Superman. He easily must have seen the planes headed for the Twin Towers from his comfortable office space at the Daily Planet. Yeah, that's right, Clark Kent, I'm outing you. You think it was bad for Valerie Plame. You'll never work in journalism again. I can't believe I gave you such access to my offices for your damn book. And Diana Prince, or should I say Wonder Woman, I wouldn't have needed to send ground troops into Iraq if one Amazon in an invisible plane had gone in there to disarm Saddam. Can't believe she has the gaul to criticize me. And Bruce Wayne… I gave you that tax cut… I'll make sure the IRS Bat-Audits every line of your next damn tax return…", Bush spewed.

Katrina vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation magazine did her best to offer insight on the President's words, "The President seems to have proceeded from My Pet Goat, his favorite book in 2001, to comic books, or graphic novels as they're called. And to worsen his confusion he is apparently reading a hard bound multi-issue reprint of Amalgam Comics".

The Amalgam Comics Anthology which vanden Heuvel referred to was a publicity stunt done by comic book publishing giants DC and Marvel, in which a storyline featuring ‘convergent parallel universes' allowed superheroes from DC's universe, such as Superman and Aquaman, to crossover into another existence and interact with Marvel properties, such as Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk. Experts say exposure to this high concept scifi premise, that something perceived as fictional in one universe could have a genuine reality of its own in another, was not meant for the President's mind.

Vanden Heuvel continued trying to unravel the President's apparent psychosis, "He seems to now be confusing real people he has actually met with the secret identities of superheroes. If I can make any sense of his comments today, Mr. Bush referrs to a book being written about his Administration by Clark Kent, who I think he has merged in his mind with Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward, the book being Plan of Attack. I think I'm Diana Prince to him, and he thinks billionaire-philanthropist Bruce Wayne is either Virgin International owner Richard Branson or Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. After that… It's anyone's guess what's going on in that head of his".

Bush also offered hope for the future, believing other superheroes, specifically those appearing in Marvel Comics, would come through where the Justice League had failed.

Later in his address Bush said, "I am confident we can however count on the support of patriotic Americans such as Professor Charles Xavier and his X-Men, who know I have never supported or signed my name to any bill which discriminates against mutants. And Bruce Banner, my Administration will not hunt you down… no… we will work with you to reverse the gamma radiation overdose which causes you to become the Hulk whenever you get worked up about something. But for now, I am calling upon you. Fantastic Four, Avengers, be here for us where the Justice League and Teen Titans have let us down" .

Conservative radio talk show host Sean Hannity attempted to rally to the President's aid, by having Dr. Michio Kaku of the City University of New York explain in a telephoned interview what physicists call String Field Theory. Kaku, considered one of the co-founders of the idea, reluctantly told Hannity that String theory attempts to unify the ideas of conventional physics, like Newton or Einstein's laws, with the strange and murky world of Quantum Mechanics, which governs the seemingly counter-intuitive behavior of subatomic particles.

"And so Professor Kaku", Hannity probed, "you're saying that String Theory allows for the possibility of other universes or dimensions, meaning that the assertions made by the President today are possible, in fact are probably true and are supported by the bulk of the scientific community".

"No", Kaku replied, "not at all… in fact...".

The rest of Kaku's statement was cut off when the phone line went dead due to what the show's producers said were technical problems, leaving Hannity to complete what he assumed Kaku's closing argument would be.

"There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, it is scientific fact that the world of comics exists in another world that has bled into our own, and the President has figured it out and is pro-actively addressing the situation in a way that will benefit us all", Hannity concluded.

Capitol Hill insiders are quick to point out this is probably a phase the President is going through, similar to the issues he had in the year 2000 when Will Ferrell's comedic portrayal of Bush on Saturday Night Live left Mr. Bush confused and not remembering, "when I did and said all that stuff, but, hell, there I am on the TV".

There is cautious optimism among Republicans that Bush will be done with comic books soon, as his referral to anyone who is not an Evangelical Christian as a ‘Muggle' indicates he is moving on to the Harry Potter series of children's books.

While the Potter books have fewer pictures than his current reading material, Whitehouse Press Secretary Scott McClellan points out they are accompanied by movies containing special effects the President enjoys and that, "there is a dragon in one of them, and George likes dragons a lot".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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