Written by Andy Lam

Monday, 28 June 2004

With all of the talk these days about "low carb" this and "fat free" that, I decided it was time to offer my own learned thoughts on the important issue of weight reduction - based on my own experiences.

Now let me first say that I am in good heath and recommend that before anyone begin a weight-loss program they check in with a doctor or something. Despite my fine shape, I have not been immune to the siren call to shed a few "vanity" pounds, and to get there, I have tried everything.

My most recent attempt, and one I do not think this works was LYPOSUCTION.

I have received several e-mails promising me surgury-free LYPOSUCTION. As I have tried so many techniques for removing unwanted inches, I was naturally intrigued by this offer. I have tried everything, and to be fair, the inches aren't even the issue. The real issue is that too much fat just isn't good for you.

I asked my doctor to remove the fat from some fried food using standard LYPOSUCTION. She KICKED ME out of her office! (THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS I DO NOT TRUST DOCTORS!)

After being mocked, I decided to try something else. I tried using OLEAN to remove fat from my snacks. I purchased some regular chips (with fat) and I purchased some OLEAN chips. I rubbed the regular chips with the OLEAN chips. Next I ate the regular chips. They seemed to tasted the same as they did before I rubbed them together. Another failure.

Next I tried putting diet pills into the bag with some McDonald's french fried, I also tried pouring a strawberry ULTRA SLIMFAST SHAKE over a BIG
MAC. The fat content of the food did not seem to change, although I found the flavor slightly altered.

I explained to some of my friends at the flea market that I was trying reduce my fat and they suggested weight watchers. I hid some cookies in
someone's backpack and watched them closely, but when I retrieved them after the meeting, they were the same (but still delicious, unlike the Big Mac).

So then I saw the e-mail for surgury-free LYPOSUCTION and it got me thinking. Really, how hard could it be? Especially for someone as
super-smart as me? So I built a device (using items from around the compound) and went to work.

The device was a bicycle pump from which I removed the bottom plate. I next cleverly attached a basketball needle to the end of the hose for
removong fat from small areas.

My first test was with a hotdog. I placed the hotdog into a vice which I have mounted on the wall in my kitchen. I next inserted the needle into the tubesteak and pulled the pump handle up (for those of you who
are not so smart, this sucks). The results were immeadiate. After much fighting and yanking, something was getting sucked out of the hotdog and
was clogging up the hose like an artery (ergo, it must be fat!)

I worked on it for quite a while and after some struggle, the gloppy fattiness fell out of the bottom of my LYPOSUCTION device. I did this for about 45 minutes and by the end, the hotdog was just a little
shriveled skin. I put it into the microwave and cooked it up. It was a little chewy, but it was still good. AND, it had NO FAT!

I deemed this experiment a rousing success and am have now instructed my kitchen staff to perform this proceedure on all of my food. Peas, grapes, walnuts, marshmellows, peanut butter, lettuce, etc. - it make no difference to me, now everything I eat is fully fat free.

Don't be fooled by doctors, if you want something done right, do it yourself!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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