Are you a finalist in a junk mail prize draw?

Funny story written by Ian Vince

Wednesday, 28 April 2004


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Have you just opened a letter that looked like it contained a huge cheque, only to find something that looked more like a food hygiene certificate?

Yes, yes, yes. You are one of twelve million lucky, lucky people to be specially selected to win a fantastic prize. Cold, hard cash is waiting for you now.

Yes! Be the envy of all your neighbours when you pull up your drive in the gold-plated, limited edition, 18 cylinder, 12-speed half-track sports carboat.

Live the highlife with new friends, great teeth and a commanding presence that only stacks of money can buy.

Be someone else. Have lots of sex. Imbibe exotic cocktails and complex pharmaceuticals and still command respect by bullying your underlings. Be stimulating company, hire staff and invade defenceless nations on an ill-informed whim. All this could be yours. It could be closer than you think.

What are you waiting for?

Simply take-up our no-risk offer to send you The World of Coffee Tables today and qualify for our Early Adopter Bonus Gift, a miniature paisley pattern occasional table, lovingly handtooled in Droitwich from finest Bolivian Hardboard.

Affix the YES!!! sticker to the back of the YES!!!! envelope and fill in the reply-paid Sworn Affidavit, enclosing a 0.5 square cm of skin for DNA matching and The World of Coffee Tables will be yours in no time. Your statutory rights remain non-effective.

Examine this majestic book in your home for ten days. Admire its leatherette binding, the quality of writing and the mindless dedication of its authors.

If you don't agree that Volume One of The World of Coffee Tables is a handsome addition to your bookshelf, simply return it unread to a PO Box in Swindon where your lack of committment and angry correspondence will be charitably ignored for as long as it takes us to send you the remainder of the 26 volumes.

If you agree with us that The World of Coffee Tables is the ultimate coffee table compendium, do nothing and open the floodgates to an unparalleled world of knowledge and arcane information.

Act now: we know where you live.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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