Britain's Got Crap (BGT) soon to adorn our Sat evenings

Funny story written by Proffitt

Thursday, 10 February 2011

image for Britain's Got Crap (BGT) soon to adorn our Sat evenings
'I do impressions of my dog'

Yes, it's that time of the year again when the 'not so' talented population of the UK line up to sing out of tune, walk their dogs on stage and dress up as drag artists all in the name of Britain's Got Talent.

2011 will see some changes for BGT. There's no more Simon Cowell or Piers Morgan with both respected judges working stateside, Cowell launching X Factor and Morgan kissin ass pretending to be the next Parkinson.

So, with two new judges lined up for this year what should we expect from BGT 2011? Well first of all there's the addition of 'The Hoff,' best known for his womanising, drinking and passing out in public. The Hoff sold his talking car some years ago to pay off his bar bill and his life guarding certificate was revoked due to being drunk in the water.

The Hoff is no stranger to this type of show having already worked on the US version. Many would say that prequalifies him, however others may disagree. One production insider who wished to remain nameless said: 'Although Hasselhoff is meant to be dry these days he has been seen swigging from a hip flask and boring everybody about the size of Pamela Anderson's teats. Many of the women have complained about his roving hands and lewd comments and producers have been forced to ask him to tone it down a little.'

The other addition to the panel is Michael McIntyre, the bumbling upper class funny man (and I use the term 'funny' loosely) whose observational comedy has catapulted him into the top 100 comedians in the UK. McIntyre may at first seem like an unlikely addition to BGT, however he was never one to miss an opportunity to show off his smug grin.

Pretty much unheard of 2 years ago McIntyre has since had his chubby face on the BBC on Saturday nights making light of the poor people of Britain and their attempts to get on with life. One insider working on BGT said of McIntyre: 'Michael is soooooooooooooooo boring, to the point you just want to set yourself on fire in a dark ally to brighten up the day.'

It will be difficult to see McIntyre being anything other than nice and with Amanda 'Oh my God I'm crying again' Holden as the sickly but sweet judge that only leaves Hoff as Mr Nasty.

Will we miss the scathing sarcastic comments of Cowell or the, the…… remind me again what Morgan's contribution was? Who knows but what is back on the menu is: more 'Ahhhh's' for the cute kids forced to perform because their parents are desperate to meet Ant and Dec, old wrinkly's dressed up in their 1940's costumes singing Perry Como hits and dozens of stupid muts who are quite happy to perform somersaults at home but under the glare of the lights simply shit out a huge log on stage.

Oh I can't wait!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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