Aging Stones Rock Fenway

Funny story written by wadenelson

Monday, 22 August 2005


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Boston -- Moss may not grow fat on a Rolling Stone, but the Stones themselves are "definitely growing older and fatter," said fans attending the Fenway Park opener of their latest tour. "Micks lips are saggier than my grandmother Nana's tits," said one fan. "And Ron Wood? If you ever catch your kids using drugs, just show them a picture of Ron."

The Fenway outfield was filled by a stage that stretched from the "Green Monster" to the bullpen, and rose some three stories into the air. Said Mick, "Big egos need a big stage, big pyrotechnics, big amplifiers. We all used to have big hair too, but that's starting to thin."

The Stones opened the show with "Start Me Up," an ode to Dick Cheney's in-chest defibrillator, and followed by "Sweet Neo-Con," an ode to everything that is right in the Bush Administration, which is perhaps why they didn't play it.

Jagger, 62, taking massive doses of Aleve, still managed to strut, swivel his hips, and was even able to put touch his hands above his head in an amazing show of agility for an arthritic sixty two-year-old rocker.

The other members of the Stones, drummer Charlie Watts, 67, and guitarist Ron Wood, age unknown, both took short naps during the show, but returned refreshed and kickin' it for the encore. The audience was mostly unaware of Watt's wheelchair, while Wood's traded his mobility scooter for a pair of "backup vocalists" to help him on and off the stage.

Midway through the show, a small section of the stage lifted up hydraulically and thrusted the entire band about 50 feet or so into the heart of the crowd. After more than an hour of thrusting away the Stones finally got some "Satisfaction," from a "Honky Tonk Woman" somewhere in the audience of aging baby boomers. They then played "Satisfaction" again, apparently experiencing an Alzheimers moment and forgetting that they'd already played it.

Hell's Angels riders hired to provide security were an equally gray-haired bunch of old geezers. Sonny Barger and others were reprotedly spotted napping under the grandstands after only 3-4 beers.

The show ended with a pair of favorites, including "Jumpin' Jack Flash," with new lyrics about "Three dollar gas, gas gas"
and "Sympathy for The Devil" - punctuated by bursts of flames from the top of the stage. In a jab at Hugh Grant, the Stones then closed with "Brown Sugar."

According to Ticketmaster, stats supplied by Mastercard indicate the average ticket buyer was 55 years old, graying, with an income of $72,000, which proves, if you wait long enough, and try sometimes, you CAN get front row seats to a Stones show.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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