Matt Damon - Boston Hunk Supreme

Funny story written by Andy Lam

Tuesday, 27 July 2004

image for Matt Damon - Boston Hunk Supreme
Matt Damon auditioning to become the Boston Celtics mascot

Boston, MA - Despite the high-living and low-loving of his best buddy Ben Affleck, Matt Damon has managed to stake a claim as Boston's Hunkus Supremus following his role in the spy-thriller, "the Bourne Supremacy."

Teller to Affleck's Penn, Damon is stepping out on his own and is ready to rock and roll. According to several friends, Matt is looking for a bigger slice of the pie, but hold the J-lo, he's on a diet. "Matt wants to have a ball," said one friend, "don't get me wrong, but he's seen Ben stumble too many times not to be worried about it Just like the song says, ‘low and slow - that is the tempo'."

Ben may be buddies with the Bo Sox, but Matt is in discussions to become "Lucky", the Boston Celtic's mirthful mascot, who revs fans up at every home game with his acrobatic antics. "The Red Sox are terrific and I love seeing Ben there at the home games," said Steve Bulpett of the Boston Herald, "but if you were an Irish kid growing up here in Boston, the Celt's were your team and to have the chance to become "Lucky" - words can't describe what that would mean."

Arnold "Red" Auerbach, the Celtic's president, has a sense for how important this would be for Matt and the team. "Look, the Celtic's are a way of life and they have been a part of my life for over 50 years. Getting a kid like Matt, a real good egg, into the organization would do wonders for the team and the community."

Other team officials were not so positive in their remarks. "I'm sure Matt's great, but the current Lucky is doing a great job and I worry that Matt will be looking for too much from the fans and the team," said one executive on condition of anonymity. "The world is his oyster - I just don't think that this pearl is going to be enough to keep him happy."

If this were to fall through, it would only be the latest in a series of set backs in Matt's attempts to reclaim his roots and get back to the city he loves. In 2001 he ran unsuccessfully for Mayor of Boston, being beaten in a landslide by sitting mayor Tom Menino; in 2002 he mounted an unsuccessful bid for Governor, only to be beaten again, this time by businessman Mitt Romney.

Seeing the politics might not be his calling, Matt next turned to music, thinking he would be able to leverage his Hollywood connections to help him succeed. His audition for a seat in the Boston Symphony's first violin section is still talked about among the Boston Brahmin. His attempts to join the Boston Ballet met with a similar failure.

"Matt should focus on what he does best," continued a friend, "he's a terrific actor and should be happy with that. All of this other crazy stuff, it's for the birds if you ask me."

With the new movie out and lady-fans swooning, Matt might be ready to concede, but not before he gives his Boston dream one more chance to fly.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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