Schilling Wins With Sutured Ankle; Boston To Pitch Exhumed Corpse For Game 3

Written by infernalpudding

Tuesday, 26 October 2004

image for Schilling Wins With Sutured Ankle; Boston To Pitch Exhumed Corpse For Game 3
Schilling wins Game 2 on a leaky ankle; Can Coranth win Game 3 on a leaky everything?

The Boston Red Sox, emboldened by their Game 2 win over the St. Louis Cardinals on the pitching of injured right-hander Curt Schilling, have decided that they will pitch the exhumed body of Oliver Coranth (1912-1987) as their Game 3 starter.

Schilling, who tore a tendon on his right ankle earlier in the playoffs, was pitching with his tendon attached to his ankle with sutures. During the game, the red stain on his sock was evident as he pitched 6 strong innings of 4-hit ball, giving up only one unearned run.

Due to the success of Schilling, who was basically pitching with his body parts sown together, the Red Sox have decided to throw left-hander Oliver Coranth, who died 17 years ago, for Game 3.

The body of Coranth, a decent Little Leaguer in his own day, was exhumed from Barrington Town Cemetery on Monday morning, and has been rigorously prepared for his posthumous major league debut.

"His socks have been ironed; his uniform has been pressed. All we need now is a couple million volts of electricity and maybe a facelift, and he'll be good to go," says Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "We are completely confident in his ability to win. All we hope is he hasn't decomposed too greatly in the 17 years since he was put in the ground."

The exact procedure on how the Red Sox plan to reanimate Coranth's body is unknown, but it is widely believed that the Red Sox are using some sort of microchip to simulate a nervous system.

When asked about how he plans to hit the slow-throwing Coranth, Cardinals 1st baseman Albert Pujols said, "I just hope his arm doesn't break off while he's throwing or something, (because) that would be real disgusting." When asked about his prior experiences with the undead, Pujols responded, "Well, I saw Shawn of the Dead last weekend, and it seemed like a good movie. I'm just hoping that Coranth is a nice zombie, the kind you would want to maybe go to a theme park or eat cotton candy with."

Coranth features a fastball in the low 40's, a devastating curve, and a knuckleball that he can throw only once an inning because his fingers break off when he throws it, and must be glued back on. The consensus in the league is that he cannot throw more than 4 innings, because of literal arm fatigue.

"We don't want his arm falling off or anything in the game," said Red Sox pitching coach Tony Cloninger. "It would be bad for team morale, and probably be very disturbing to watch for the folks back home."

"No matter what happens out there," said Francona, " Ollie's a great…err…undead person, and we're all gonna pull for him."

Details on what will be done with the body after the game have not been released.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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