Written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 15 January 2011

image for Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice" To Include La Toya Jackson, David Cassidy, Jose Canseco, and Hope Dworaczy
A close up of Donald Trump's hair. (Photo courtesy of Rosie O'Donnell).

NEW YORK CITY - Donald Trump, the man with the billion dollar bank account and the $7 hairdo, has just revealed to The Big Apple Globe Gazette the names of this years former celebs who will be competing on the hit show Celebrity Apprentice.

And as expected most of the individuals have not been in the spotlight in quite sometime.

One such individual is Dionne Warwick, Whitney Houston's aunt. Warwick stated that after 50 years she is still crooning the age old question but only in the privacy of her shower "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?"

Well in the words of Joan "The Moan" Rivers, "Does anyone other than those living in San Jose really friggin care?"

And then there's Richard Hatch, the original gay winner of the Survivor series, which has now been on for 34 seasons and has just about run out of places in which to put its survivors.

TV Clickerworld is reporting that the next season's Survivor series will be called Survivor: Detroit. And it promises to be the most dangerous of any past Survivor series.

Lisa "Lips" Rinna will also appear on the upcoming Celebrity Apprentice. Rinna who is married to Harry Hamlin is famous for having appeared on the reality shows Dancing With The Stars, Eating With The Starlets, and Schmoozing With The Hair Stylists. She is also noted for having the strangest looking lips on the continent.

Mick Jagger recently told a reporter for the BBC "G'ness mate, dat Lisa Rinna lass has got some mighty big bloody bloomin lips on her she does."

And even Steven Tyler, the new American Idol judge, whose lips weigh two pounds each remarked that if Rinna where to smack her lips she could literally stampede a herd of longhorn cattle.

Former baseball great Jose "Hey Have Ju Seen My Steroids" Canseco is perhaps the most recognizable of the whole bunch simply because he wrote 17 books exposing the use of steroids in Major League Baseball.

His first book was entitled, Going From 148 Pounds To 253 Pounds In Three Short Weeks - The Jose Canseco Story.

That book was followed up in quick succession by I Got My Muscles From Eating Lots of Salami and Cheese Sandwiches; Baseball Cards, Batting Gloves, and Steroids In My Underwear; and Honest Officer I Have No Idea Who That Steroid Shit Belongs To, But I Think That Maybe You Need To Ask Roger Clemens.

La Toya Jackson will also be appearing on the Trumpster's show. La Toya's main claim to fame is that she is the younger sister of Michael "The Glove" Jackson. So basically La Toya is kind of like Paris Hilton, except not as rich, as tall, or as white.

And singer Meatloaf, who currently tips the scales at 397, has agreed to appear on the show as long as he can visit the catering truck at least six times during filming.

Meatloaf is noted for his hit song "Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad, But Three Out Of Three Is Damn Better." He is also noted for once having single handedly eaten four Butterball turkeys in nine minutes and eighteen seconds.

David Cassidy will also grace the streets of New York City. Cassidy is best remembered for his role as Keith Partridge on the old, very old Partridge Family television show. That is the same show that launched the amazing careers of such fantastic actors as Danny Bonaduce, Suzanne Crough, and Jeremy Gelbwaks.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Danny Bonaduce who has had some very serious anger management problems is considered to be the young version of Mickey Rourke, who is considered to be the young version of Gary Busey.]

The one saving grace for Mr. Trump's Celebrity Apprentice will be Hope Dworaczy, who is a former Playboy Playmate and who looks like she could still appear in his magazine.

Dworaczy will no doubt bring in a lot of the male viewers between the ages of 16 and 96. And if El Donaldo is smart he will do his very best to make sure that the gorgeously sexy Hope Dworaczy does not hear the words "Hope, you're fired!"

Celebrity Apprentice will premier on March 6 and will be sponsored in part by the makers of Viagra.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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