Written by Brett Taylor

Friday, 29 October 2010

image for Angelina Jolie Cures Boredom with Surprising Affair
Angelina Jolie embarks on unusual affairs, vague sources say

Movie star Angelina Jolie is bored with her relationship with Brad Pitt, according to a new report in Slur Magazine. Here is an excerpt:

"Angelina's bored to death," says an unnamed source. "She craves excitement and new things, and Brad's more of a homebody."

Those who know the duo say their family life is clearly tense and strained.

"They can't talk without it turning into a big argument," says Samuel Robbins, a concession vendor who sold the couple a hot dog at a Dodgers baseball game. "It's terrible the way they argue in front of the kids. She'll say something like, What the hell's taking you so long? And he'll be all like, Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'."

Friends say such shocking drama is now commonplace at the Jolie/Pitt household.

"She can't stand the way he eats," says another source who vaguely knows the two. "That's the main thing. He's all the time eating Chex cereal and she's all the time snapping at him. She'll be like, Why can't you eating something else, you bastard! Your eating habits are so dull. I bet Johnny Depp knows how to eat cereal! Brad is really hurt by this. For solace, he turns to director Steven Soderbergh. They get together every Wednesday and cry in each others' arms. I'm not sure what Soderbergh is crying about. Being too successful, I think."

Perhaps more surprisingly, Jolie says she's bored with her lover's good looks. In order to make her life more exciting, she's now going after unattractive men. Last week Hollywood was all atwitter with the news of the actress' torrid affair with George Wendt. Wendt, the rotund star of the beloved eighties sitcom Cheers, was as surprised as anyone to be singled out by Jolie.

"I honestly don't know why she picked me," the self-effacing actor admits. "I don't even think I have a career any more. A few lowbrow cameos here and there, maybe. I think I did a Larry the Cable Guy special, maybe some Frasier episodes, shit like that."

The comic actor says that while sex with Jolie was certainly bracing, he could have done without the experience.

"I think I did some long-term damage to my heart. I'm not a young man, you know. I got really sweaty and out of breath while she was on top of me, and couldn't breathe. To tell you the truth, I passed out after about six minutes, and dozed for about ten hours. When I woke up she was gone. Don't get me wrong, she's a really classy lady, and I admire her humanitarian work. But she's a little on the skinny side these days. I prefer broads with a little meat on their bones, you know what I mean?"

But she's not stopping there. Mere days after the fling with Wendt, Jolie had another brief affair, this time with Joe Rotello, a Newark sanitation worker. Though not as fat as Wendt, Rotello is clearly out of shape and grey-haired. Rotello admits to being baffled by Jolie's brazen seduction.

"It surprised the hell outta me," he recalls. "There I was on my lunch break, eatin' a baloney sandwich. She was wearin' fishnets and a lot of makeup. I didn't even know she was in Newark." Rotello says the sex was okay but nothing special, then adds, "My wife isn't gonna see this, is she?"

Angelina usually ignores our phone calls, so we were as surprised by anyone when she agreed to make a statement.

"Yeah, I'm bored," the actress candidly admits. "To tell the truth, I'm mostly bored with the whole humanitarian bit. Being a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations, it's fun for a few months, but to the truth my life was much more fulfilling when I was doing heroin every night and jumping into the shower with strangers. The people I have to hang out with now are so drab. Did you know I had to have dinner with Condoleezza Rice once? God. You have to go to all these Kenyan villages that aren't even on the map, and all these starving kids want to swarm you. I've smiled for so many cameras my face is practically frozen up. I don't know how Katherine Hepburn did it. I'm not surprised she died. I don't blame her at all."

The actress lowers her voice to a whisper and asks in a conspiratorial tone, "You know what I miss the most? Stealing husbands from their wives. All those husbands, all so innocent. All so helpless before my hypnotic powers of persuasion. They never would have even thought about straying if it hadn't been for me, I can tell you that.

"Yeah, my home life bores me. But the kids are the biggest fucking drag. I mean, it's fun at first. You adopt a kid here, you adopt a kid there. Then you have some of your own just to have the experience. To tell the truth, I can't remember their goddamn names half the time. There's Malox, Shenandoah, and Billy Bob. The others, damned if I know. How many have I got now, seven? That's right, seven. I tell ya, kids are all the same, whether they're Ethiopian, American, whatever. They may be cute when you first see them, but once you bring them home they're nothin' but screaming, crying, booger-eatin' monsters. And half the time the nanny's not even around to clean them up. You have to do it yourself. I wish they'd hurry up and get modeling careers so I can get them out of the house."

The actress says that if her life doesn't get any better, she'll have no choice but to marry somebody new. "Somebody new," she says. "With an up-and-coming career. Actors who have been around a while are so boring. Does that Ryan Gosling kid have a wife?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Angelina Jolie

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