SANTA MARIA, CA -- Appearing as a witness for the defense in the Michael Jackson molestation trial, Hollywood heartthrob Tom Cruise set the record straight about his past experience with Michael Jackson. Before a packed courtroom, Tom Cruise flashed a big smile at the jury as he gave stunning testimony about his past relationship with Michael Jackson. "I never actually slept in Mr. Jackson's bed with him, although I've heard that many young boys…"
Cut short by an objection to hearsay statements, Tom Cruise continued, "Well, I don't know any young boys that actually said that they slept in bed with Michael Jackson, but I sure know that I didn't. I'm straight as an arrow; everyone knows that. Right?"
Defense attorney Mesereau then assured Tom Cruise that no one thought that he was gay: "Certainly we're not implying that Mr. Cruise is anything other than a handsome Hollywood hunk with great appeal to many types of movie audiences. Everyone knows that Mr. Cruise will sue any newspaper that implies he is anything other than a real man…I mean a heterosexual."
"Thank you for clearing that up," said Tom Cruise. "Now about all those porno magazines found in Michael Jackson's bedroom… I never saw any of those. And I never drank any of that wine either."
"On December 14, 1998 I didn't visit Neverland to spend the a night with Mr. Jackson. I have seen many pictures of Neverland and it looks like a very nice place that would appeal to young boys, but I never went there. As a matter of fact, I never actually met Michael Jackson face to face, although I do own some of his music."
Cross-examined by the prosecution, Tom Cruise said that Michael Jackson never touched him inappropriately. "It just never happened!"
Hollywood breathed a huge sigh of relief upon hearing the news about Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson. An important movie producer who asked to remain anonymous said, "We all had our doubts about Macaulay Culkin, but no one ever really suspected Tom Cruise had anything to do with Michael Jackson.
In other news, several other celebrities have stepped up to claim that they also did not share a bed with Michael Jackson:
Steve Buscemi
Yosemite Sam
Mel Gibson
Al Bundy
Ted Bundy
Mr. Burns
Tony Blair
The "E" Street Band
Rin Tin Tin
Tiger Woods
William Bennet
R. Crumb
Andre the Giant
Andrew Card
the Royal Navy
Michael Jordan
Ed Begley (Jr. and Sr.)
Rasputin
Gary Bauer
Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal
Kobe Bryant
Brad Pitt
Louis L'Amour
David Beckham
Prince Charles
the Coen brothers
Cheech (and Chong)
Keith Richards
Howard Stern
Trent Lott
Hught Grant
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Groundskeeper Willie
Donald Trump
Pat Buchannan
Frank Nitti
Jimmy Swaggart
Steve Martin
Wilt Chamberlain
The Christian Coalition
Dan Rather
Vlad the Impaler
Donald Rumsfeld
Josef Mengele
Sponge Bob Squarepants
John Travolta
The New York Yankees
Mickey Mouse
Christopher Hitchens
Colonel Sanders
Huey and Louie
Rush Limbaugh
Barry Bonds
Groucho and Harpo (but not Zeppo)
Andy Sipowicz
Oscar Mayer
Hunter S. Thompson
Don Corleone
Hugh Hefner
Simon AND Garfunkel
William Hung
Bob Novak
Pepe' LaPew
Wolfgang Puck
The Rock
Jay Leno
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Derek Jeter
the Three Stooges
Bill O'Reilly
Don Knotts
Speedy Gonzales
John Madden
Pluto
George W. Bush (and Barney)
Scott Peterson
Jerry Falwell
Bill Gates
Bill Maher
Bill Clinton
Bill me later
Jim Walton
Rev. Al Sharpton
Cell Block ‘C' at Rahway State Prison
Ray Romano
Elmo
Archduke Ferdinand
Rudi Giuliani
Cool Hand Luke
Hulk Hogan
Mr. Natural
Kelsey Grammer
Siegfried AND Roy
John Dillinger
Liberace
Ned Flanders
Kramer
Walt Whitman
that guy on the Zig Zag papers
Milton Berle
Apu
Professor Art Nouveau
Hillary Clinton
the Kurds
John Holmes
Popeye the Sailor
that little gecko from GEICO
Al Franken
Rev. Robert Schuller
Felix the Cat
the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers
The Harlem Boy's Choir
Jumbo the Elephant
Michael Dell
Mr. Ed
Saddam Hussein
Mr. Bumstead
Larry King
Pee Wee Herman
Dick Clark
Arnold Swartzenegger (but not Maria)
...and (finally)... Big Bird
Michael Jackson's defense team is working round the clock finding other people who did not share Michael Jackson's bed. If you know of someone who did not sleep with Michael Jackson, please phone (800) 123-0000
