Returning from Universial Studios this week after a business conference in the South of Florida, several patrons reported being unhappy with one particular souvenir acquired in the Harry Potter village.
One woman who preferred to remain nameless said, "It was a magic wand they said, with magical powers. I paid my $29, disclosed it to airport security on my flight home and then waved it at my useless husband with the words 'Husbandagone', but he's still here, still walking around in his underwear, leaving his socks in a ball on the kitchen table, standing for hours staring at an open refrigerator and then asking me why we don't have any more beer."
The woman continued on, but we were forced to cut the quote short. Others report similar results with the wands, which seem to have been sold by the same street vendor at Universial, making broad promised on the replica wands specific ability to cast spells and grant wishes. Another man who only preferred to be called "Skippy", reports acquiring the Ron Weasley model, but having the same general results, or lack of results actually. "My cube mate continues to have an awful gas problem. Smells like dead elephant mixed with rotting cabbage actually. I waved the wand at him with the suggested spell "Exgasseolo", but nothing. The sulfuric cloud hangs over us all day long."
Universial representatives were quick to point out that the wands were just replicas from the movie with no actual powers of course, despite what any over zealous street vendor might have told anyone. They also asked for vendor's name so they could promote him to management.
In a related story, the husband of the first woman interviewed in our story recently checked himself into a hospital with a long stiff stick-like object forcibly inserted 16 inches up his rectum. Apparently the wand was able to make the man disappear after all.