J.K. Rowling has confirmed that the next Harry Potter movie, to be entitled Harry Potter and his Magic Bollocks, will be in 3D!
The story takes a detour from the plots of the books and starts with Potter frying his evil Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, and turning fat cousin Dudley into a turnip. He is expelled from Hogwarts School but leads an army consisting of Ron, Neville and Hermione, and some unnamed extras, through the gates in a magic giant bollocks, where they set fire to the school building and laugh wickedly.
The teens corner evil Draco Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle in the boys' toilets, and dunk their heads in the latrines, giving Draco an even wetter hair look than normal.
They then decide to get their revenge on Slytherin house master Professor Snape, who has for years tormented them with sarcasm and negative points, knocking him out with magic spells then giving him several wedgies until he says sorry for being such a bastard.
Finally, they go looking for mean old caretaker Argus Filch, who was revealed in the first movie to be a "Squib" (non-magical), but can't find him, so they instead scribble some rude jokes about him on the walls using permanent magic ink, deliberately getting the spelling wrong to upset the teachers.
Audiences will be provided with 3D glasses and are, according to Rowling, they will be in for a trip of a lifetime. "People sitting in the front row will really feel the magic bollocks brush past them."
Rowling added that the movie will end with Potter waking up in the shower and realising that it was all just a dream.
Rowling has previously admitted that the Harry Potter stories were originally pornographic and had to be toned down.
