Ashley Cole rivals announced

Funny story written by Whitters

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Ashley Cole has released a hasty press release after watching the live coverage of the X Factor.

Cole, 29 of a homeless shelter near Chelsea's Surrey training ground has been following his estranged wifes progress on the hit Simon Cowell-founded sing-a-crap and following her comments that she is in love with competing boy band One Direction wishes to make a number of points clear.

The statement reads:

"I, Ashley Cole, of sane mind in my £1 million cardboard box in surrey wishes to make clear that I do not begrudge her having new love even if they are 10 years my junior, and there are 5 of them to take her to the same multiple orgasmic heights that I assist my Chelsea teams mates do to random hookers.

"I wish her all the best for the future, including all that young semen that I wish I could have better provided for her prior to killing our marriage.

"I will however be making a forced entry to her mansion to see if they are there."

When we telephoned Ashley to ask if the forced entry will be in a similar vein to the one earlier this year a woman pretending to be Ashley Cole said "er. ummmm. No Comment, but she was breaking out, not in"; when we asked how much she was charging, she hung up.

More news as we make it up.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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