Mary-Kate Olsen: My Childhood Sucked. "Those big sacks of money were sooo heavy!"

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Thursday, 19 August 2010


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image for Mary-Kate Olsen: My Childhood Sucked. "Those big sacks of money were sooo heavy!"
And as for the television's so-called "plan?" Batman has no "jurisdiction." He'll find him and make him squeal!

Mary-Kate Olsen, 1/2 of a twin-sister acting team so bereft of talent it took two of them to play one character, is bitching and moaning to Marie Claire about how much the childhood she had --which earned her about $400 million--

"Whaaah, poor me. I had to grow up in the spotlight," said the 24 year-old skankbag. "I wouldn't wish is on anyone else. Waaaaaaaah!!

Did You Know?

That Mary-Kate's breath smells like a combination of Clamato and smegma?

Bag-O-bones grew up in the spotlight alongside her slightly less scuzzy twin sister, Ashley. Her work on "Full House", and their direct-to-clearance-racks VHS tapes earned them nearly half a billion dollars, which wasn't enough to keep her from hitting the Ugly Wall at top speed, just days after she turned 18.

"Think of all the dirty old men that wanted to f--k me when I became an adult," said Mary-Jane. "Two weeks after I turned 18 I started to look like Iggy Pop. My sister had an'I.R. Fugly' t-shirt made for me.

Mary-Kate battled an eating disorder, the details of which she shared with every news agency in North America, in 2004. In 2005 she was arrested after asking "Full House" producers paying her her royalties in crack and Vitaminwater. She also had to deal with the loss of her friend with benefits, Heath Ledger, who dumped the fat chick from Dawson's Creek to begin banging Mary-Kate.

"Our relationship was wonderful, he was so funny," said Mary-Kate, tearing up. "When he wanted me to give him oral treats, he'd balance a hit of Ecstasy on the head of his penis. Isn't that romantic? Too bad he broke up with me and I had to murder him, allegedly.

Today, Mary-Kate spends her time carting he possessions around in a stolen Shop $ Bag grocery cart, and as a volunteer quality control expert for a Staten Island heroin lab, allegedly. Her busy schedule still allows her time to bad-mouth the parents who made her career possible:

"My mom and dad never knew anything I was thinking or feeling. "I think it's really important to be able to talk when something's wrong. I learned at a really young age that if you don't talk about it, it can drive you insane. And, clearly, I am insane."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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