Kristen Stewart will be crowned May Queen at Walpurgis Night rave

Funny story written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

image for Kristen Stewart will be crowned May Queen at Walpurgis Night rave
Wednesday's blood-red Scorpio Full Moon heralds the countdown to Kristen's initiation ceremony

London - (Maypole): The countdown to Saturday's Pagan New Year's Day sees the Twilight star invited to a Walpurgis Night rave high up on London's Hampstead Heath.

Not to be outdone by Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Cordelia Chase being crowned May Queen in the Out of Mind, Out of Sight episode Stewart is flying in on a Virgin Airlines VIP broomstick.

Beltane revellers in North London congregate annually on May Day Eve high up near the Heath's Ladies Bathing Pond where the traditional Walpurgis sky clad - ie naked! - dancers begin their frolics.

The flaming pyre is erected to keep away dead and chaotic spirits that are widely believed to stalk the living of London NW3.

"Mostly these are truculent Russian oligarchs from nearby billionaires' row The Bishops' Avenue," local hermaphrodite wise-woman Dame Daphne Hollyhock commented.

"They just want to gatecrash the celebrations and impose their own Teutonic Walpurgisnacht brand of revelleries.

"But Kristen should be ok, we've hired extra heavies to keep out the hoi-polloi like pervy Boris Berezovsky and ex-KGB asshole Alexander Lebedev who live over the other side of Caen Wood."

The Twilight and Eclipse star can expect a ritual Beltane ablution in the crystal clear waters of the Ladies Pond followed by a ceremonial massage and anointing with oils.

She'll then be dressed in silken robes spun from local coddling moths' silk, dyed in exotic shades of belladonna and henbane.

At noon on May Day itself she will be crowned with a floral diadem of sweet chestnut flowers, clover, hawthorn, digitalis and lily of the valley.

The traditional May Pole dance will commence shortly after - unless local troublemakers Russel Brand and Jonathan Ross turn up like last year, nine sheets to the wind and smoking exotic cheroots with gay abandon.

The 210 bus goes past Jack Straw's and on to Highgate Cemetery.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more