Study Finds No Explaining Weeping Madonna

Funny story written by Kevin Scrantz

Monday, 24 January 2005


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HOLLYWOOD (Rotters) - A study conducted on the case of Madonna reportedly shedding tears a decade ago concluded that the event has no human explanation, a Los Angeles newspaper reported today.

The LA Shopping News said it viewed the document ordered by the Catholic Diocese of Hollywood to review the case from several different points of view and was assembled by doctors, historians and theologians. A summary of its findings were then published.

The LA Shopping News, California's leading newspaper, said the document critically analyzes all eyewitness testimonies given during the event, as well as all possible explanations for the phenomenon.

"Like, everything the expert dudes say unanimously - indicates that in that corner of the earth at the corner of Hollywood and Vine, an event took place that has like, no human explanation and points to the mystery of supernatural stuff," Shopping News wrote.

The article was written by Porfi Medoc, a leading Madonna authority who helped her research the pornographic, exhaustively hyped book "SEX" in the 1990's and served as technical advisor on her later series of vapid children's books.

The case of the Madonna of Hollywood and Vine, a busy intersection in the heart of Hollywood, first made headlines in the US and abroad 10 years ago, drawing thousands of faithful to the city.

In January 1994, a ten-year-old boy claimed he saw the singer weep tears of mascara. The singer was reported to have cried a total of 14 times in subsequent months. The city's bishop, Monsignor Monty Kidd, claimed the singer cried in his hands.

"Hey, we never said the tear-shedding of Madonna was a miracle," Kidd told Rotters. "But the facts speak for themselves."

Officials at the Hollywood diocese were on an annual altar boys retreat and could not be reached for comment.

Kidd quoted Rev. Larry Spitz, a Madonna scholar and professor at UCLA, as concluding: "There's the hand of God, or Jesus, or maybe even the devil here."

The Vatican has remained oddly silent on the case over the course of the years, and nobody was available to comment today.

When the event first occurred, investigators concluded the black liquid on the singer was a runny mixture of mascara and tears, even though Madonna's tear ducts had long been thought permanently sealed due to excessive amounts of makeup applied to conceal the lines and crevasses of time on her face. X-rays and CAT scans performed at the time found no holes that could be used to house a mechanism for squirting fluids.

Madonna was ordered held in a cabinet for months pending more tests, and in December 1994 was put back on tour.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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