Following the comments made by Chelsea's German midfield general Michael Ballack that Arsenal are far too pretty to win the premiership, Arsene Wenger has hit back claiming he is just jealous because he's an ugly German bitch.
''Ee 'as a face like a German pig zat is all covered in shit and 'as been kicked repeatedly by a man wearing steel toe-capped Gestapo boots' Wenger said angrily. 'In fact zay say zat some people 'ave a face zat only a mother could love, well I believe 'is mother tried to smother 'im at birth as she was so ashamed of ze 'orror zat she 'ad given birth too.'
Wenger continued, 'In fact, at first she didn't realize she 'ad given birth, she believed she 'ad just shat 'erself because ze baby looked like a huge steaming turd.'
'Ee is as ugly as zat red faced curnt Alex Ferguson' Wenger screamed as he was lead away to take his medication.
However, according to the Arsenal players, Ballack's comments may not be too far from the truth.
'When we are sat around in the changing rooms before a match', an unnamed player told us, 'we usually like to wait until the last minute to put our football kits on as we so much enjoy looking at each other's smooth athletic bodies and complimenting each other on our best features like Theo's eyes or Cesc's hair'
'So we decided that we should make use of the gorgeous looks that God blessed us with and try our hand at a bit of modelling in our spare time.
Jack Wilshere and Aaron Ramsay fancied doing a bit of glamour work as they look great in swimwear and they've got bikini lines to die for.
Nicklas Bendtner loves wearing pink so he was in heaven when he was chosen to be the face of the latest Ann Summers catalogue.
Robin Van Persie is taking over from Elisabetta Gregoraci to be the Wonderbra model that you'll see on huge billboards whilst you're driving around London and Sol Campbell is going to appear in Agent Provocateur in a PVC nurses uniform.... although I think he's been doing that for years anyway.'
But the two players who attract the most attention in the dressing room every week have announced their plans to go head to head with the world's top supermodels by making their debut on the catwalks during London's Fashion Week in February.
Theo Walcott will be modelling Vivienne Westwood's latest collection. 'I love the fusion of punk fashion and elegant beauty' he squealed excitedly. 'I so have the legs to pull off an ultra sexy look in those long flowing dresses, and I like to show my nipples quite a bit so Vivienne's clothes are right up my street'
Cesc Fabregas is also delighted to be modelling for Jean Paul-Gautier. 'Jean-Paul is well known for injecting kitsch into couture. He is a little bit quirky, like my personality, but at the same time his figure hugging outfits ooze sexuality and I hope he lets me wear two giant cones on my chest so I can look just like Madonna.'
A new book - Arsene Wenger's Guide to Beauty: On and Off the Pitch, is released later this year.
