Keen to show that they're as on the ball as ever, a British hardcore porn movie production company has already started production of a spoof porn flick loosely based on the soccer sex scandal.
Managing Director of BangEmOutSharpish Films, Albert Lode told us:
"Soon as the story broke last Friday we had Tommy Widdershins, our top scriptwriter banging out an outline. He'd prepared a completed script by Friday teatime. We held auditions Saturday, rehearsals Sunday, and we started shooting this morning. The DVD should be in the shops first thing Thursday."
BangEmOutSharpish Films has developed a reputation for being the first out of the blocks when it comes to sexploitation, a reputation it is keen to maintain. Their scripts and final products frequently bear little or no actual resemblance to real events, but their sense of timing in catching passing bandwagons cannot be faulted.
We spoke to the leading actors in the production - 'No Blue Balls At Chelsea' - Keith Illingworth and Diane Foggarty.
"I don't look anything like JT," Keith told me. "Not even when they put the spiky wig on me head. I mean, he's a finely toned athlete and I've got a beer-gut. But it won't put the punters off."
"I'm not French either," Diane admitted. "But they're gonna show me eatin' a snail and smoking one of them whiffy French ciggies to feed the illusion of Gallic wanton eroticism."
It seems doubtful that anyone will be taking a cameo role in the film.
More as I dream it up.
