ORLANDO, Florida - A visibly shaken Elin Maria Pernilla Nordegren Woods, wife of Tiger Woods, the world's greatest golfer and lousiest automobile driver, has reportedly informed her husband that the time has come for them to start dividing everything by two.
When Tiger asked her what the heck she was talking about she angrily replied that maybe he can get his reputed girlfriend Fifi LaFlick, or whatever her frickin name is to explain it to him.
Tiger told his wife that he does not know a Fifi LaFlick and that he has never had sex with that woman. He said that everything that the National Inquirer printed about him and Fifi LaFlick was totally incorrect, except for the part where he autographed her left tit when he was playing at at a golf tournament in Pebble Beach, California.
Tiger told Elin that 'tit signing' is really nothing new and is actually no big deal. He then reminded her that when they first met in her native Stockholm she had asked him to autograph not only both of her chumbawumbas (sweater dandies) but her (blank) as well.
Elin denied it saying that it was him who hit on her by asking her if she wanted to see his putter.
Mrs. Woods has already hired the services of one of Sweden's top attorneys Reinhold "The Sardine Man" Valterssen.
Valterseen charges $13 per minute.
Meanwhile Tiger Woods has acquired the legal services of one of America's most prominent golf attorneys Max Greenbaum, of the Manhattan law firm of Goldsteen, Greenbaum, and Witzberg whose firm motto is "Yes, we are expensive as hell, but that's because in over 3,000 cases we have not lost one frickin case."
In non-related news. Whoopi Goldberg has just signed to star as Princess Ruby Booby in Paramount's 'Planet of The Apes 3 - A Bunch of Missing Bananas.'