Amy Winehouse wants to rescue Jedward

Funny story written by Katarina Frogpond2

Monday, 9 November 2009

image for Amy Winehouse wants to rescue Jedward
Jedward are treated like Performing monkeys says Amy

Amy Winehouse has revealed she can't wait for John and Edward to get voted out of X-factor. This is because she wants them to start performing the new songs she's written for them ASAP. She says "The sooner they're out of that stupid show, the sooner I can start making them into serious Jazz Artists. Simon Cowell treats them like performing monkeys"

Amy believes that serious jazz needs serious musicians so she wants John and Edward to learn how to play instruments and dance like her backing singers do.

"I thought John could play the trumpet and Edward could do the dancing. Or maybe the other way around because I don't know which is which. But they both have to sing too. It'll be crap if they don't sing."

Amy plans to give them elocution lessons so they can sing in the only way that is acceptable to her record company. She says she doesn't really know how to write songs for people who come from Ireland, so they'll have to learn to sing with Jamaican/North London accents like she does.

Also Amy says that "One of them will have to get addicted to crack cocaine because that's how it is North London music circles, innit. Then the other can be really disapproving and leave the other one and go solo. Then they'll both have solo careers and then we'll have the re-union. That's my five year plan for my business loan. My bank manager was really pleased with that"

Katarina Frogpond (that's me) decided to ask the question that everyone wanted to ask. "Would you not rather write songs for Stacie Solomon instead. They're saying she's the new you"

"I don't want to talk about Stacie Solomon" Said Amy. "She is so not the new Amy Winehouse, and never will be. She will never play Jazz after Dark, because I know the owner and I've had her banned, and I'll never write songs for Go away Katarina Frogpond."

By Katarina Frogpond

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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