Jeremy Piven Gets Mercury Poisoning All Over Again in Off-Broadway Parody Play

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Friday, 18 September 2009


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Piven! Party of two for Piven! Your table is ready!

New York, New York - Jeremy Piven's may have recovered from an alleged bout with mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi that got him out of a play he did not want to do, but now it seems he is having a relapse. At least on a New York theater stage that is performing a parody version of what happened to him. Only this time around, he does not get mercury poisoning from eating too much Sushi. No. But rather from performing cunnilingus on a mermaid he just met on the New Jersey shore.

"It's really tastefully done," said a co-producer of the play. "It's a theatrical portrayal of one man's unquenchable thirst for sushi. So I guess it's a love story really, a modern day 'Splash' meets 'Romeo and Juliet', if you will. I don't see why Mr. Piven is so upset about it."

In the play, Jeremy Piven is on a date at an All-You-Can-Eat Sushi bar with his magical mermaid girlfriend who can maintain her human form so long as she is not exposed to water, when suddenly the restaurant runs out of fresh sushi.

As a waiter stops by their table to deliver the bad news, he trips over Jeremy Piven's date, pouring a pitcher of ice water on her.

"Fortunately, only the couple, at first, are aware of the transformation as it takes place from the waist down, under the table," continued the co-producer. "So the still hungry, Jeremy Piven's character goes under the table and satisfies his apatite for a little sushi."

The playwright also barrowed a scene from "When Harry Met Sally", as an old lady in the sushi restaurant asks if she can have what Jeremy Piven's girlfriend is having.

"Okay, this where it gets a little blue," admits the co-producer. "Because I have the old lady and eventually all the restaurant patrons lining up for some free sushi; each going under the table one at a time, while Jeremy Piven's character checks his watch in boredom and asks the waitress when the restaurant closes. And get this, the waitress replies: 'That's up to your girlfriend.' I just love that line."

Despite the play's popularity, however, the future of it is in doubt at the monument, due to legal entanglements not solely brought about by Jeremy Piven.

"We're confident we will win the lawsuit Jeremy Piven's lawyers are preparing to bring against us if we don't cease and desist," said an attorney for the play. "It's the New York City Police Vice Squad that's got us up at night."

According to incident reports on file, the NYPD has tried to shut the play down twice last week; claiming that it did not have a license to run a live sex show.

"Like I keep telling them, this is not a sex show," continued the co-producer as he counted out the box office proceeds, all in quarters.

Back on the stage, the couple continues where they left off at the Sushi bar. Only now, they are alone in Jeremy Piven's New York apartment.

"This where the 'Romeo and Juliet' part comes in," said the co-producer. "Because the mermaid Jeremy Piven has the munches for confess to him that she's dying of mercury poisoning."

Jeremy Piven's character chooses to join his mermaid lover in death; sacrificing himself by continuously performing cunnilingus on the mercury contaminated tailfin right up to the very end. Knowing it will inhibit his performance as an artist, killing his acting career on the stage.

"Talk about giving away the ending, that's exactly how it ends," said the co-producer as he was lead away in handcuffs. "Jeremy Piven's character -- in the play I mean -- collapses face down into the mermaid's tailfin; poisoned by the mercury, he's too weak to get up on his own and has to be rescued by his lawyer. So I guess it's a tribute to first responders too really."

Tickets for the show are still available online, although, for now, the box office remains closed until further notice. Be sure to bring your own Wasabi sauce, as it will not be served once the show has started.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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