WASHINGTON, D.C. - Americans everywhere, at least those with the good sense not to believe every lie that is fed to them, said today they are becoming less and less amused by the antics of popular but controversial Republican comedian Rush Limbaugh and his comedy organization ACORN, and called upon dittoheads everywhere to recognize the "mysterious acorn" bearing Limbaugh's likeness as an obvious fake.
Liberals reached out to Limbaugh's sheep, imploring them to snap out of their trances and see what has been aptly dubbed "The Facial Nut" for what it really is - a joke at their expense.
The acorn with "markings bearing a striking resemblance" to the right-wing blowhard's fat face is supposedly on display in the right wing of the Church of Conservatism's Rush Limbaugh reliquary, just to the right of patron saint Ronald Reagan's conservatorium immemorialis with its endlessly trickling-down fountains, all of which, said intelligent Americans, are fictional; money raised for the church is actually funneled up to high priest Limbaugh, who also serves as ACORN's head.
ACORN, the American Comedians' Organization for Republicans Now, is a comedy-based organization that addresses a hilarious range of concerns for high- and ridiculously-high income families, like: How to increase inner-city crime rates through education cuts; how to increase voter non-registration by disengaging from the masses entirely (except to sell them material goods), resulting in complete apathy; how to provide affordable health care for families making at least $350,000 a year; and other issues seen as having "high comedic value" in highbrow conservative social circles, and to a lesser degree in circles of poor- to middle-class Southern crackers who hate blacks and can't seem to get to sleep without holding on to at least one of their guns.
Like his imitator, second-generation anti-liberal comedian Ann Coulter, Limbaugh has built a profitable comedy career by including this audience (many of them ACORN members) in his act, not by splattering them with smashed pumpkins or watermelons (or perhaps acorns) like Gallagher, but by duping them, getting them to laugh at punch lines even when they make no sense at all and are not in the least bit funny; thus the name "dittoheads."
His act has been called "repetitive" by some, using pre-recorded laugh tracks dubbed over venomous defamation of liberals and liberal ideals, which would seem to indicate he supports neither individual rights nor equality of opportunity, does not believe in freedom of thought or speech, would prefer that the power of government be unlimited, its workings carefully hidden from public view and media scrutiny, with a complete lack of rule by law, except in cases involving the immediate seizure of all private property and a halt to open and fair elections, with equal rights thereafter "only afforded to those who can afford them."
Just for clarification, that pretty much sums up the opposite of liberalism, but that's not even the punch line: Limbaugh claims all of this serves to "preserve traditional values" and a conservative platform that finds its roots in the medieval comedic tradition of using the church to keep peasants and serfs ignorant while the ruling class strip them of their means, maintaining the status quo of fatness and indulgence while the less fortunate starve.
The conservative comedy movement was thought to have been brought to an end in France centuries later when Marie Antoinette joked about a possible peasant uprising saying, "Let them eat cake." When she produced not even a crumb of cake for the hungry people, they decided to remove her head to stop her from ever uttering such a "tasteless" joke again, starting a revolution.
Nevertheless, conservative comedy found a new home in France's "neighbor," the fledgling Democracy, er, um... (ahem) the fledgling Republic known as America, and has until very recently become more powerful, not to mention hilarious, than previously believed imaginable, nearly bringing the country to ruin during "The Dubya Years" as we laughed ourselves silly.
Democrats wish they could do something about Limbaugh's divisive comedy act but, in an ironic twist worthy of Shakespeare, they are unable to do so in America; though political in nature, his comedy lies outside the realm, and therefore the jurisdiction, of real politics, and thus remains exempt from the rule of law, and to simply put his jaws in a vice grip, stitch together his most blatantly annoying facial cavities, or as in the case of Marie Antoinette, completely remove the offensive appendage protruding above his neck, while suitable for comic effect, would nonetheless violate his right to free speech.
This is not the first time Limbaugh has been at the center of controversy for telling ACORN-inspired jokes; just weeks ago he came under fire when he suggested on his show that same-sex partners from the six states that now allow such unions be required to wear pink triangles to signify their marital status.
Many also take issue with his jokes about privatizing education. "If one passes laws that make it difficult for poor and single parents to provide a decent education for their children without paying big bucks," said someone who bothered to think things through instead of merely regurgitating someone else's truth, "you might as well install gas chambers in inner city schools and gas these people," he indicated, describing how lack of education, joblessness and crime will then continue to feed on one another, spiraling out of control as the poor and underprivileged kill one other with renewed vigor, allowing amused dittoheads to sit back, relax, and laugh themselves silly, having saved themselves the trouble of doing so.
Limbaugh, who was excused from service in the Vietnam War due to a polyp in his buttcrack, according to easily accessible online sources, reportedly advocates siphoning these "poor, invaluable servants" into America's demoralized military to act as pawns in even more uproariously protracted wars waged by armchair comedians in Washington.
You know, I was just as lucky as Limbaugh, or I guess you could say, "Ditto for me": I was supposed to be on the Apache helicopter that crashed in 1999, causing the only two casualties in Clinton's totally dead serious campaign to stop Milosevic's ethnic cleansing and genocide of Albanians by nationalist Serbs in former Yugoslavia...
Funny thing is, I was excused from military duty because I have a polyp in my buttcrack that looks like Rush Limbaugh.