Dem's Health Care Plan Making Republicans Sick

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 13 July 2009

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"burgers cheese grease greasy food stuff that makes health care plans necessary"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Prominent Republicans balked at a Democratic plan to fund health care by taxing families earning $350,000 a year or more at a rate of 1%, with that rate increasing slightly at successively higher income levels.

"They want to do what?" asked H.M. "Bill" O'Reilly on his show, The O'Reilly Lie Factory. "Boy, every time you turn around, those jokers are trying to tax somebody! Why, it just makes me sick!

"Why should a family that makes $350,000 be forced to earn only $346,500?" he asked, his reddening face looking splotchier than ever. "So some loser who only makes $25,000 a year and his family get access to affordable health care? I say, it took hard work to build America, and it takes hard work to get somewhere in America, so if you're not willing to work hard enough to make $350,000 a year, don't expect a free ride."

As expected, Rush Limblah-blah-blah weighed in on the matter, tipping the scales at a very conservative 1,063 pounds. "Folks," said the popular yet unpopular pill-popping comedian, "this new health care plan makes me want to, well, to be quite frank, folks, it makes me want to puke. I can't tell you how many times, and anybody will tell you, folks, that it always comes down to liberals. These folks hate America, folks. They want to take your money and give it to somebody who doesn't deserve it! ...folks."

This reaction comes as no surprise to most folks, as Limblah-blah-blah's prescriptions alone cost $350,000 a year, so he stands to lose a lot under the new plan. In addition, his ultra-super-duper-heavyweight classification will ultimately result in tremendous health care needs. And anyway, some folks have argued, why doesn't he just pay the difference himself if he has the means?

Still others disagree with him entirely, like John Deerbourne of Sacramento, California, who thinks the Dem's health care plan sounds great. "I own hundreds of acres of land, so the property taxes alone gives me a threshing. I also own several million dollars worth of farm equipment, and it all needs maintenance. Then there's the house, the kids... most years I'm lucky to glean $350,000, so to have health care for my whole family for $3,500? Man, that makes me feel just fine!"

Helen Doublechild, a single mother of two in San Francisco, barely makes $22,000 a year working full time while trying to start a home-based business; she indicated she would be more than willing to pay a measly 1% of her income to provide health care for her and her kids, "especially if I made $350,000 a year!"

The man who sleeps on the corner near my home said he's never even heard about the Dem's health care plan, but indica-ted he's doing just fine with the medicinal-grade marijuana he's able to scrounge up enough money to buy legally at one of the many nearby distributors.

Wealthy vegetarians and vegans, who often incur virtually no health care costs due to proper lifestyle choices, decided to pay the new tax without complaining just because they are thoughtful people.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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