"Entourage" cast wishes Zac Efron would just go away

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 19 July 2009


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image for "Entourage" cast wishes Zac Efron would just go away
"Hey, guys! What's up?"

HOLLYWOOD, California - Filming of an "Entourage" episode featuring Zac Efron was completed several agonizingly long weeks ago, but for some reason, the tween posterboy won't stop hanging around the set.

Cast members of the popular series said they are "so completely over" Efron, and can't wait until he moves on, stops hanging around the set, and gets back to "whatever the Hell it was he was doing before."

"I guess he's probably used to thinking he's the 'cool kid,'" explained Adrian Grenier, who once guest-starred in a Britney Spears video, back when Brit was the shit. "But, it's like, we're not a bunch of prepubescent little girls, you know? Look, this kid is definitely not cool.

"God!!" he added, clearly exasperated. "Why can't he just take a hint?"

Plus, Grenier ["Vince"] said, the "Entourage" cast members had dinner with Efron at the Beverly Wilsheyer after a shoot early last June, and he "rubbed pretty much everybody the wrong way."

Kevin Connolly ["Eric"], Jeremy Piven ["Ari"], and Debi Mazar ["Shauna"] also attended the dinner.

"So, we're all sitting there, laughing and having a good time, and Zac walks up, and he's all, 'What's up, guys?' All Dizzney-like, you know?" recalled Grenier, who explained it still amazes him Efron is so "squeaky-clean" in real life; most Dizzney kids know how to party.

"Scary. Anyway, so he orders sushi, and he starts making fun of Jeremy because of that time when he got hydrargaria from mercury poisoning [Piven eats a lot of sushi, the likely source of mercury in his case]. He kept calling him the 'human thermometer' like we all thought it was really funny or something."

Piven sadly lost a prized Broadway role to William H. Macy because of the illness, while Efron went on to have his voice altered for the High School Musical Barf-fest soundtrack, co-starring bane on Miley Cyrus' existence, Vanessa Hudgens.

Grenier, who sings lead vocals for Kid Friendly and plays drums for The Honey Brothers, noted, "On top of that, Zac's music is totally pussy!"

"Yeah, right! Sounds like Aquaman's still mad 'cause Zac tossed that plastic water bottle when he came in," laughed Connolly, jabbing at Grenier for his show on the Green Planet Network where he and a team of experts demonstrate eco-friendly techniques.

"Hey! Jeremy saw it too!" shot back Grenier; Jeremy Piven, who lent his voice to an Earth Hour video campaign urging people to turn off lights for one hour, just rolled his eyes.

"Anyway," continued Grenier, "you're just pissed 'cause he was talking trash about your precious New York Islanders!"

"Yeah, I shoulda kicked his ass for that one," said Connolly, son of a truck driver and a waitress.

"Yeah, right! Hey, didn't you hear? Zac said he's all 'getting fit' now after watching the Rocky series," said Grenier, snickering, hinting at Connolly's role as "Chickie" in Rocky V. "You'd probably be too chicken to fight him, anyway. Huh, Chickie?

"Here, chickie, chickie, chickie. Here chickie, chickie... " he taunted.

"Actually, Jeremy should have kicked his ass for ordering sushi," interrupted Mazar, who co-hosts a popular Internet show on Tuscan cooking with her husband Gabriele Corcos; she found herself at odds with Efron over questions of palate.

"If I didn't know better," she said, "I'd say he did it just for spite, because all he kept talking about the whole meal was Krispy Dunk donuts, Panda Bear orange chicken and Quizztoast chicken and bacon sandwiches. The boy clearly possesses no refinement!"

"Hello!! You're talkin' about food," said Connolly. "I'm talkin' New York Islanders over here!"

"Yeah, and, um, let's see... I'm talking about nearly dying over here," said Piven. "Can you fathom that, Kevin? Can you wrap your little brain around that one, Einstein?"

"Hey!" called Efron, just entering the room. He approached them, smiling, hands in his pockets. "What's up, guys?"

"Oh, hey! What's up," said Piven. "We, um, we were just... leaving, actually. Right, guys?"

And with that, the four broke into a cacophony of excuses as they quickly evacuated the premises, leaving the room empty save for Efron and one lonely lighting technician.

"Hey!" called out Efron, waving. "What's up?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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