Written by Wire Piddle

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

image for Robert Redford Weds Vagina Painting Artist Sibylle Szaggars

Hamburg, Germany - Actor, environmental activist and ski resort developer, Robert Redford, 71, has married his longtime girlfriend, Sibylle Szaggars, 51, in a private ceremony at the St. Catherine Church in Hamburg, Germany.

Although the actor's penchant for privacy is legendary, it is believed that Mr. Redford's demand that he be married in Germany, far away from the 'thirty mile zone' of Hollywood had more to do with his embarrassment surrounding his girlfriend's notoriety for painting vaginas.

Said a close associate, "He really loves Sibylle but for the past 15 years, all she paints are vaginas. Big ones, small ones, everything is vagina...vagina...vagina. It's an obsession that really has been a psychological roadblock to the man forming any type of meaningful relationship with the woman. I think if there is one thing that I, as representative of all his male friends, would say to the woman is, 'for heaven's sake, enough with the vaginas already!!'

For their part, neither of his daughters see anything in the artwork that is suggestive of vaginas. Amy Redford, 38, categorically dismisses the observation, "There are no vaginas in those paintings. They are more representative of simplified topographical portrayals of landforms common in the state of Utah."

However, Mr. Redford's former wife, Lola, disagrees. "Of course they're vaginas. It was the first thing he noticed about her paintings. Men are pretty basic don't you think? She was about as subtle as an advertising executive on Madison Avenue. I tried to save our marriage by taking up pottery and making these vagina shaped pots. That wasn't successful. He used them to hold his dental floss."

However, Lola wasn't convinced that the paintings weren't the only cause of the breakup. "I think Sibylle sealed the deal, though, with her split crotch leather lederhosen."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Rob Pattinson




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