Written by Robert W. Armijo

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

image for "SpongeBob SquarePants" finally comes out of the "Closet"?
"SpongeBob SquarePants" Celebrates 10-year anniversary by declaring: "I'm Gay?"

Hollywood, California - After spending hours reorganizing his closet, SpongeBob SquarePants finally came out, taking a break for a moment, only to find his friends had prepared a surprise birthday party celebration for him down stairs.

"With all my friends around me on this auspicious occasion of my tenth anniversary, it makes me feel, oh, I don't know, so gay, I suppose," admitted SpongeBob SquarePants just before he blew out the candles on his birthday cake, making a wish.

Not since members of the Gay Community itself first outted "Tinky Winky", the purple "Teletubby" with the triangular antenna that carries a purse, which, Jerry Falwell, leader of "The Moral Majority" was falsely accused of doing first, much to his undoing, has there been such a whirlpool of controversy involving a children's TV show character for allegedly being Gay. Except, of course, for the terrible twins form the tropics, "Bananas In Pajamas" whose sexual orientation goes without question to this day.

Years later, the rumor mill turns once again filling the air with speculation and circulating innuendo, only this time with that lovable sea creature, SpongeBob SquarePants, at the eye of the storm.

Interestingly enough though, rumors of SpongeBob SquarePants sexual orientation did not come for the Gay Community or church attending parents as last time, but from the schoolchildren across the nation themselves. As the sexuality of SpongeBob SquarePants has much been the debated topic on the playground for years.

"My little brother, Tommy, has always suspected SpongeBob SquarePants was gay ever since he was in the first grade," said Susie Anderson, age 9. "But I'd always say, 'He's not! He's not! Now take it back or I'll tell Mommy."

Now Susie apparently owes her little brother, Tommy, her school lunch money for the next two weeks.

In the public schools, however, school psychologists still maintain that it is perfectly normal for prepubescent children to engage in a discussion regarding human sexuality by using inanimate objects or their imaginary friends to broach the sensitive subject.

"It's completely healthy. And it takes the edge off too," said Rupert Lovejoy, a school psychologist. "By the way, did you know that Bugs Bunny was a cross dressing transvestite? He inspired me to enter the field of psychology, just like Dr. Phil. And he let me know as a child growing up, after coming home from school to an empty house that Daddy abandoned, that it was okay to wear my mommy's clothes for protection. Provided I sent them to the cleaners afterwards. What? Don't look at me like that. Wearing my mother's clothes made me the man I am today. I can still remember the safe feeling I'd get from putting them on too. It was like I was wrapped up in a bloody fleece of a stillborn lamb or something."

"I never would have guessed that he was gay. I never even knew children's animated cartoon characters could be gay," said Daniel Anderson, mother of Susie and Tommy. "I just thought he was just...you know...drawn that way. My God! What about the influence he'll have the children? Come to think of it, Tommy's favorite outfit is a red tie; white shirtsleeve shirt and brown shorts. And he has been hanging out in front of the Tropical Fish section of the pet shop, ever since I left his father for Raul, the stock boy that works in the back there. Whatever could it mean?"

"We've known that he was gay for years," said the editor of a popular gay magazine dedicated to outing movie stars, politicians and cartoon characters. "Now if only Goofy would come out, too. I know most people would never think he's gay because of his poor personal hygiene, bad teeth and overall lack of fashion coordination, always wearing that same old black vest, but he's what we call a 'Bear', just one big huggable 'Teddy Bear'. Not to be confused with 'Teddy Rutherford Bear', who, although is an actual teddy bear and is known to wear leather from time to time, is as straight as they come."

After eating cake, singing a song and opening his presents, SpongeBob SquarePants hung up his birthday hat and returned to the household task of cleaning out his closet under the sea.

"Wow!" said SpongeBob SquarePants as he shook his head in disbelief. "With all the controversy surrounding my sexuality, I have a good mind to convert this closet into a water closet. And flush all this [censored] away. If I knew I wasn't [censored] up my own fishbowl in the process."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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