Written by Robert W. Armijo

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

image for "Baywatch" The Movie In 3D? Or 44DD?
"Come back you idiots. That's not a real woman. That's a reel woman."

Hollywood, California - The new producer of "Baywatch " the movie got the idea after seeing "Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs" in 3D and "Transformers 2: The Fallen" while watching Megan Fox running in slow motion wearing those tight hip-hugging white jeans in the hot desert. "Hey," said John Derrick, new producer of the movie 'Baywatch' to a production assistant seated next to him in the darkened theater, while on a working lunch doing some research. "Why don't we do that in our movie, only in 3D?"

Back at the studio, the independent movie producer got down to crunching the numbers on an Internet conference call with his financial backer located somewhere in the Middle East. Soon they realized the only way they could afford the costly 3D equipment was if they made severe cuts to their movie budget, due to the recession and credit crisis.

"Let's see," said Derrick as he began pacing in front of the computer screen. "Where. Oh where could we make budgets cuts in a movie that has no special effects, shot on location on a public beach and with everyone standing around in a bikini?"

As both men began pacing in front of their computer screens, suddenly Derrick got a brilliant idea.

"I know," yelled out Derrick "The wardrobe department! After all this is no Jane Austin costume period piece we're doing here. All we got to deliver is the eye candy. "

"What are you talking about?" said man on the other end of the Internet connection. "They're barely wearing clothes as it is."

Derrick quickly sat back down at his disk, typing away at the keyboard.

"We'll have all the actors and actresses do their scenes in the nude," said Derrick.

"Are you crazy. You'll never get the movie under an NR-17 rating," said the man over the Internet connection. "You'll lose the original TVs targeted market audience of family friendly moviegoers. Not to mention the financing from me and my partners."

"No we won't," insisted Derrick. "We'll just film them in the nude. And later on, add the bathing suits in postproduction editing by using an inexpensive computer-generated graphics program. Just like in the TV series."

"They had Pamela Anderson do all her acting scenes in the nude?" asked the mysterious man on the Internet connection.

Derrick opened up a computer file containing an image of Pamela Anderson wearing the world famous 'Baywatch' one-piece red L.A. County Lifeguard issued bathing suit from the original TV series in 1990s

"Oh yeah," replied Derrick as he maneuvered his mouse over the JPEG image of Pamela Anderson's body, clicking it to magnify the upper thigh region where her swimsuit rises up above her hip. "Only they didn't cover her up in postproduction by using a computer-generated bathing suit. They used body paint. It's low tech now, but then it was state-of-the-art, achieving the desired effect for the time."

The man on the Internet was able to see the magnified image of Pamela Anderson's perfectly portioned isometric scantily clad body over his computer as well. The image was undeniable. There were no tan lines.

"So that's why I never saw a tan line on her body. I love tanning lines, too. They're so sexy because they act as a boarder to let you know that you're in a private area," said Derrick's financial backer. "And to think all this time, I thought she went to a tanning salon."

"Yup," said Derrick. "But since we're using computer-generated bathing suits, this time we'll be able to add the tan lines for realism."

One year later at the 'Baywatch" screening premiere, while Derrick and his Middle Easter financial backer were both being seated, donning a pair of 3D glasses in the darkened theater, the financer turned to Derrick and whispered jokingly into his ear, "My friend, I trust you didn't forget to add the tanning lines?"

"Tanning lines?!" said Derrick jumping out of his seat. "I forgot to add the bathing suits!"

Suddenly the darkened theater lit up with a beam of light from the projector room filling up the silver screen with a pair of giant naked bouncing bosoms in 3D that poured into the laps of the unsuspecting moviegoers, plopping into their cups of iced soda and buckets of buttered popcorn, spilling them onto the floor.

"My God," cried out the financer as he stood to his feet, hands reaching out into empty air. "They're beautiful!"

As the shot widened, revealing the rest of the naked body of a buxom blonde, the moviegoers (males ages 17-45) erupted into spontaneous applause, yelling out, "Bravo! Bravo!"

In slow motion, to the opening theme song of "Baywatch" the TV show, the naked body of the attractive shapely young woman ran off the sandy sunny beach projected onto the silver screen and onto the darkened movie theater aisle. A dozen men still with their 3D glass lead by the financer instinctively began chasing after her. Their girlfriends and wives following close behind them in tow yelling and screaming at their boyfriends and husbands: "Come back you idiots. That's not a real woman. That's a reel woman."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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