On the Good Ship Lollipop
It should be noted, of course, that no ship in this chapter is named Lollipop and that the things sucked on in this chapter in no way resemble lollipops or are made of sugar. In fact, nothing in this chapter is really that sweet as The Buggerall has been at sea for almost a year and the poop deck is really getting full and there are now fifteen barrells of piss in the hold.
Oh, I guess you want me to get on with the story. Sorry, but I just wanted to explain the chapter title first.
Very well, here's your story:
"Captain," said cook Skoob as he poked his head through the side of the ship, "might it be possible for someone to go overboard to the water level and pull me out so I'm not stuck here? That Nautilus submarine thingie used me as a torpedo."
"I'm afraid that you're stuck there for now, Skoob. If I pull you out, we'll have a hole in the side of the boat and it'll probably sink us. If we leave you there, your greasy coat will act as a sealant and keep us from leaking too much."
"Then can I watch what you and Miss Dora Piebottoms do after dinner when you guys make the whole ship rock?"
"Have some dignity, man," yelled the Captain. "We'll put a tablecloth over your eyes or something."
"If there's a problem, sir," ask ship's accountant Hal A. Peno, "I could just take Dora back to my cabin for this evening. That could offer her lack of embarrasment and give you a night off."
Just then, another whistling sound was heard and another head rammed through the hull of the ship and into the Captain's cabin.
"Please allow me to introduce myself," said the new man. "Captain Horatio Hornblower of the Royal Navy at your service."
"He looks nothing like Gregory Peck," exclaimed Dora Pietbottom.
"Who?" asked Skoob, Peno, Morse, and Hornblower simultaneously.
"You know, the 1951 movie that hasn't been made yet about the life of Horation Hornblower that is going to star that big, handsome, strapping American movie star with the beautiful body and dream eyes that a woman could just lust after."
Morse looked slightly confused and said "I thought Hornblower looked like that little skinny guy Ioan Gruffudd from the 1998 to 2003 miniseries that hasn't been made yet."
"Actually," said Hornblower, "most people tell me to my face that I look a lot like that guy Gene Simmons from KISS because of my big mouth and my huge tongue. They're a rock band that won't be around until the 1970's that wears lots of make-up."
"Oh," added Hornblower, "I think that you are supposed to expect a couple of more special fish like us from the Nautilus before they start hitting you with the real torpedos and sink your ship."
Morse quickly ordered Peno to go topside and begin evasive manuever to get them out of the area. With one last longing look at Piebottom, he quickly exited the Captain's quarters and ran to give the word to raise sails and run.
"Captain," asked Hornblower, "while I'm here, can I perform my famous services on you?"
"Dora," said the Captain. "We do have some Captains' business to discuss. Why don't you see if you can help Mr. Peno out this evening as he suggested earlier?"
As she excused herself, Skoob asked, "Do I still get my tableclothe or do I have to watch this one?"
Meanwhile, in an unidentified flying object orbiting the earth, Aspartame turned to his crew and said "It appears that I have spotted a Naval battle. An early submarine is shooting torpedoes at an old ironclad, but the torpedoes appear to be men. Two of them are stuck into the side of the ship just below the water level."
His ship's helmsman, a being known as Acetominophin, asked "shall I bring us in closer for observation?"
"Yes, go ahead and do that. Aspirin," said the captain turning to one of his other creatures, "man the weapons systems in case they fire on us. Naproxyn, you go ahead and cloak the ship as an added precaution. Morphine, you make sure that we get lots of good pictures and images to share with the news folks back home."
As this crew of aliens has nothing else to do with the story and are actually pretty boring, we'll ignore them for the rest of this chapter.
Pissgums knocked on the Captain's door. "Sir," he said, "Mr. Peno wanted me to let you know that we are making flank speed to the north and that the submarine is not following to fast, but she's still back there."
Just then he noticed the two heads protruding from the hull. "Sir, I thought that you made Skoob walk the plank. I didn't know that you'd had him stuffed and mounted on your wall like an elk or something."
"I'm still alive, you maggot!" screamed Skoob.
At that point, a familiar whistling sound was heard and a third head appeared in the hull of the Captain's quarters. This time, it was none other than Admiral Lowton!
Captain Morse, on seeing his commanding officer's head poking through, quickly said "Mission accomplished, sir. We've located Captain Horation Hornblower and his head is safely on board."
Meanwhile, a group of jilted Mermen were swimming along, complaining about the group of mermaids that had stood them up at the under the sea party. Some huge land creature shaped like a walrus and calling itself JB had horned in on their action and stolen all of their women for games of naked twister and strip jenga.
Anyway, they were all somewhat drunk and horny. Amazingly, they saw three available (and defenseless) human bottoms poking out of the hull of a ship. Hormones are hormones and drunks are not that choosy and boys will be boys.
For those not familiar with the anatomy of the average merman, let's just say that the least of them is twice as large (and five times as wide) as the average porn star. We should also point out that sea water does not make a very good lubricant.
The screams in his cabin from the three heads got so loud that Captain Morse ran to bunk in with the junior officers.
"They've launched another one," screamed Monkey Woods on the deck. "This one isn't acting like the others."
"Mr. Peno," yelled the man from the crow's nest. "I recognize this one. It's got a heat seeker attached to the nose. It's headed right for the Captain's cabin."
"Hard aport!" screamed Hal.
Just then, the Buggerall managed to turn quickly to starboard (naturally) and the torpedo streaked by. It struck another ship that was just in silent running mode and obviously trying to sneak up on the Buggerall. The torpedo hit the vessel amidships and exploded on impact, sending many of that crew into the water.
The now sinking ship was flying the Jolly Roger and was obviously a pirate ship.
"Sir," screamed the man in the crow's nest. "I think that's the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts. It's full of loot and booty and lots of gold and stuff too!"
"Call all men to the decks. Find the Captain. Prepare a boarding party. Man the cannons. Someone bring me a clean pair of pants," screamed the Accountant.
He quickly turned command of the ship over to Morse, and appraised him of the situation, as the Captain came up from below.
"Men," yelled the Captain, "final victory is in our grasp."