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Sales blames ring for illness

Boston Red Sox baseball player "Lefty" Sales said his cock ring made him sick. "It turned my penis green," he said. "My girlfriend paid for gold, but obviously, the jeweler sold her brass."

Saudis confirm Khashoggi's death

Saudi Arabia has confirmed Jamal Khashoggi's death. "Not only is he deader than a door nail," a Saudi government spokesman affirmed, "but he's also really most sincerely dead."

Amy Schumer embraces femdom

Amy Schumer says she supports Colon Pencildick. "All NFL players, especially white men, should kneel before me," she says, "to show support for femdom."

Karmic Justice

I don’t think the universe bequeaths karmic justice.

Be nice if it did, though.

Trump Thinks Deaths at End of Avengers Infinity Wars Were Real

He sends the Secret Service to the movie set of Avengers 4 to do some investigating.

Trump Sorry For 'Horseface' Tweet

Trump apologizes to Stormy Daniels for calling her 'horseface' in a
tweet. Tweet was actually meant for Kelly Ann Conway.

Pregnant robot dog blamed on Russian hacking

Mindy, the first robotic dog, is now pregnant. Senate Democrats allege that Russian hackers are to blame. The White House only states that Pres. Trump wants to make robot dogs great again.

Trump Said News Media The Enemy

Trump said the news media was the enemy of the people. Saudi newsman Jamal Khashoggi was critical of the Saudi government, then goes missing in the Saudi Embassy in Turkey? Looks like a green light.

Kanye Calls for Return of Slavery

"Slavery is one of the things that made America great, and it will, given the chance, make America great again!" he tweeted.

Kanye Announces Name Change

The artist formerly known as "Kanye West" shall henceforth be known as "The Other Very Stable Genius".