Robert Pattinson Takes A Leak! ...Several Times A Day

Funny story written by Delia McLeod

Wednesday, 3 June 2009


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Los Angeles, CA - Pattinson, star of the Twilight series, is actually human. While no picture of the hunky dream with dirty hair have surfaced depicting him voiding his bladder, the story is true just the same. Ladies and little girls, Robert Pattinson is completely human. So human, in fact, he urinates probably several times a day. But, he's not R. Kelly, so don't be too alarmed by this.

Why is this news? Why, indeed. The actor himself has reported in several interviews that women and girls alike have repeatedly called him Edward, the name of his vampire character in the Twilight series. They aren't the only ones who are transferring their obsession for an alarmingly possessive homicidal vampire onto poor Pattinson. Tyra Banks asked the actor to bite her during an interview on her daytime show (He politely obliged. She's Tyra Banks; I'd give her a little nip, too). Pattinson is reportedly asked by many crazed girls for the same honor - the honor of being bitten.

The most disturbing incidence doesn't come close to Pattinson being asked to hold a stranger's infant child. In the most terrifying account to surface in an interview, Pattinson said that a group of young teens with scabby scratch marks on their necks asked the star to drink their blood. Pattinson, a self-proclaimed people-pleaser, refrained from obliging.

The breaking news today: Robert Pattinson is human. He is not a vampire, or an angel for that matter. He eats, apparently with his co-stars (OMG!); and because he eats, he also uses the bathroom. You know what isn't breaking news? He seems to be a normal 23-year old guy, making the occasional trip into a Gentleman's Club. When he gets his first DUI, or his sex tape is "accidentally" made available to the public, by all means let us enjoy that mug shot and report the news. But, until then, let's be interested in someone who is, well, more interesting.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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