Fame hungry Politician David Cameron, will be trying to reach out to the inert electorate this Saturday, by appearing on Britain's Got Talent singing 'That's Not My Name' by the Ting-Tings.
The faceless, shapeless leader has asked media spin-doctor Sir Simon Cowell of High Heels and secret lifts to put him on the show. Insiders say " Simon can make the most unpopular person popular, by starring blankly into the camera and then giving obvious and pre-written advice".
"Cameron will be a hit with viewers worldwide, like Jamie Pugh he is very nervous and tends to talk shite under pressure. This has not been an advantage to Cameron so far in his career, but if he can counterbalance this with a catchy song, he will win the audience and the world" added the mouthy inside source.
Cameron's friend Gordon Brown said "We were supposed to be doing a Chas N Dave double act....Y'know sing cockney pub songs, but Sir Simon of High Heels, told Cameron to drop me....I was so upset I ate two giant Snicker bars and ten packets of Crisps....I feel so used and dirty".
Cameron will go it alone this Saturday, where he will be seen telling Ant and Dec his obligatory back story of privilege, no muscle tone and a life of being cursed with a baby face, which everyone wants to punch in, on sight"
A nine year old drunken producer of the program said "Cameron's story is really touching and will be further enhanced by sad music and shots of Cameron looking frightened. We might even get him to stage a seizure or wet himself for extra sympathy. David will stumble onto the stage looking uneasy and fall over before he reaches the microphone, causing the heartless audience to jeer and throw cabbages. Although David is used to this, he will pretend to be shocked and cry silently as he stands up".
Bitchy wench Amanda Holden will mock him about his private parts and Piers Morgan will simply look at him with condescending disdain. After an embarrassing muffled attempt at Billy Idol's "Hot in the City", Simon will stop David and ask him if he has another song. Ant and Dec will grin cheekily in the wings and a finger will be seen pressing an antiquated piece of audio- from which will come the Tings Tings backing track.
David will wow the idiotic judgemental audience with his sex appeal and youth, as he belts out "That's not my name" Meanwhile Simon will tap his pen on the table and Amanda will stand up and clap- simply to reveal her dress. Piers Morgan will simply hope someone does not throw salt in his direction".
An insider said "David will give those two effin stage-school kiddies and those two dowdy old farts a run for their money and hopefully win the next General Election"