Big Brother's Little President

Written by matwil

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

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Iraq 2 USA 0

New American reality TV programme 'Big Brother's Little President' ended today, and viewers had been gripped by the real-life drama. In the show, the five living US Presidents were put into a sealed house, and then each week viewers voted out whichever President they wish to be thrown out of the house, and the contestants also had to perform belittling tasks to humiliate themselves in front of the public.

In the first week each of them was given a trillion dollar spending budget, and asked to win a war against a Third World country that had a defence budget of three dollars. Carter instantly threw up his hands, and said 'I quit already, just seeing our helicopters being hijacked easily by a few savages is way too scary for me, think I'll pass on the war stuff.'

George Bush Senior was next, and he made lots of speeches to the cameras about crushing the enemy, freedom and democracy, and all the usual crap that Presidents have to say - before admitting he couldn't beat the Third World country he'd chosen to fight.

Then Bill Clinton just shuffled his feet, and said he was too busy talking to friends in England on the phone to bother with wars, and finally Bush Junior walked into the house's kitchen, and tripped over the carpet.

'My fellow Housarians', he said, 'I hereby send thousands of American soldiers to the same country Dad lost to, so they can lose too. To loose, er, Toulouse Letrek, heck, to win! But somehow not win and so lose. So vote for me, and watch your taxes go down the toilet and straight into the sewers in Jerusalem.'

'I expect those weapons of mass destruction were those spears that the tribesmen there keep for special occasions, like downing US helicopters with. I'm goin' into the garden, gotta dance on the grave of democracy ...'.

And as viewers were undecided who to vote for, as no President had yet managed to complete the task, or any task at all in the last 50 years, current US leader Barack Obama was the last contestant to try and win a war against a Third World country.

Turning to the cameras and putting on his 'Messiah' look, and his 'Hollywood Lincoln' voice, he said: 'Who would have thought that in less than two generations Americans would be unable to win a war against even feeble nations like Vietnam and Iraq?'

'OK, the entire world did, but that won't stop me from making speeches as if we can actually win wars, actually contribute to the world, and actually do a thing except talk and talk and talk and talk, while the rest of the world steals our money and wins wars.'

'So, viewers, ask yourselves not what I can do in this task, ask yourselves 'Why are we arming Israel and sending our troops to die in British and French colonies? And why the silence about it from President Obama?' And my answer, in that long-winded and self-important manner you've all grown to despise, is - is that the time?'

'Hey, George, get them eggs on, we is hungry for breakfast!' 'Sure thaang, Barry', and he dropped the eggs to break on the floor. Bill Clinton went into the next room to have a smoke (without inhaling), Jimmy Carter surrendered to the broken eggs with a white handkerchief.

And George Bush Senior phoned up Dick Cheney to thank him for 'arranging the eggs to break just as we needed a bigger defense budget. Now we can declare a pointless war on eggs across the world.' And then the series suddenly ended, as all the Presidents were replaced by a Pentagon advisory committee.

Next week the programme's replacement 'Little Presidents Do What European Bankers Tell Them To' begins.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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